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For Daisy - (Very Long) daisym

Posted by orchid on October 17, 2005, at 14:21:05

In reply to Re: How does he help you overcoming these feelings? orchid, posted by daisym on October 15, 2005, at 0:21:15

Hi Daisy,

I reread my post today, and can see how it must have sounded like criticizing.

Sorry about that !!

I don't disapprove of your T. Never. I always liked him. As far as his encouraging your dependancy, I used to sometimes think that maybe it is not good for you. Especially because my two therapists have always said that I have to help myself and didn't allow any dependancy. But I suffered anyway with dependancy issues even if they didn't encourage it. So I came to the conclusion that it doens't really matter that much if they encourage it or discourage it. So I thought it is great that your therapist openly allows it and talks about it. And that it might really help you.

But seeing you continue to suffer intensely makes me question every now and then why it doesn't get better soon for you - especially since your T has great understanding capacity. I have actually read all of your threads in detail and have really wondered many times what could be of help to you.

That is why I thought, maybe he is focussing too much on allowing your feelings, and getting your feelings expressed and examining its root cause, and maybe lacks a little bit in helping you overcome the feelings. That was my post all about.

I read your response today, that he really doesn't want you to over come these feelings, but wants you to examine them more carefully. I think it is good in a way, in that, you probably in the long run will emerge to be a solid well-rounded personality.

But there is also the fact that you are suffering too much NOW.

For instance, if a person is suffering from chronic disease, which will get cured only in the long term, then a physician needs to focus on two things. 1. Long term cure. 2. Short term management of pain or other problem from the disease. The physician should prescribe adequate pain killers or other short term treatments in addition to long term treatments. We cannot let the patient suffer in the short term, and aim only for long term cure (which hypotehcially, let us say, might take years).

That was my only concern. I am sure of the quality of your theraist. I have no doubts about that. But for this to fully work for you, I think it might take years for you. And that is as you said, is fine, because somethings just take as long as it takes. But there might be ways to manage the pain effectively in the short term, and perhaps even, trying EMDR or visualization techniqes might even faster your recovery. EMDR these days has been really proven to much lessen the effects of trauma. It might be worth a try - or atleast asking your therapist about it. Even great therapists sometimes, miss one or two points. There is no harm in asking or exploring all possible avenues.

Regarding the dependancy, I do have some reservations atleast every now and then, and think maybe it is not that good for you. The reason I think like that is, I wonder if human beings can really differentiate at a deep level between therapeutic caring, and being cared for by a close friend/husband/boy friend. I tend to think, that it is practically impossible for a woman to differentiate the caring that she recieves from her therapist from any caring she might receive from a boyfriend or husband. And you will consequently develop the same longings/need for physical closeness that you would develop with a normal association with a boyfriend/husband. And allowing and encouraging one (emotional closeness), but refusing the other (physical contact and intimacy), is going to be very frustrating for any human being to comprehend at an emotional level. At a logical level, you might be capable of understanding that. But I wonder if our emotions can listen to that logic. And the relationship is meant to fail in a physical way. He can never pursue a relationship with you. And he has a family ( I think you have said his wife even works in the same office and you run into her sometimes ). I wonder how that is going to impact you. It is extremely hard for any woman to understand and grasp that and make peace with it. IT is practically going against human nature. IT doesn't work that way with emotions.

This is to the best of my understanding.

I know of course that I might be totally wrong. And what your therapist is doing is perhaps the best way of treating you.

But you are so intensely hurting so much. Allowing the feelings is fine if the feelings are pleasant and bearable, but if the feelings are unbearable and cause you intense hurting, I wonder what is the value in just allowing you to experience it? Espeically in terms of years? If it is for few months, I can see the point in short term pain and long term gain. But life is really not that long to afford several years of intense pain in the hope of spending the rest of your life in peace. It never works that way with life. If you spend years in intense pain hoping for a final peaceful day, then there might be some other more painful issue that might emerge at that time (maybe something not totally related to therapy - like some physical illness or something like that), which might cause you to continue to suffer. So it is really not worth spending many years in pursuit of a peaceful day which might be years away. There should also be focus on the current moment, and making you happier in today or tomorrow, rather than just years down the line.

Please forgive me if I said too much. I am not criticizing here. If it is not obvious from my post above, I care very deeply about you. I have really thought quite a bit about you, and have followed your history in detail over the years, and I don't want to pass up the chance to help you, even if my views are controversial and may not be to your liking. I always think a good way to care about a person is to give the right suggestion, whether it is likeable or not.

Please do ignore my long post, if it is not right. It is my opinion only.




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