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Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig*

Posted by javableue on October 16, 2005, at 23:06:02

I'm sorry; this is so minor compared to what lots are going through, I just can't get this out of my head and can't really talk about it elsewhere.

Between having had to reschedule the appointment that day and having received a failing mark on my Physics test (where I well and truly did do the best I could... and so very likely may not pass the course), I was a wreck by the time Friday's session came along.

My T saw me a little late, which wasn't unexpected as the appointment had been thrown together last-minute and I had told him the buses might not cooperate. (I did, however, arrive ten minutes in advance.) My response to the test mark earlier that day had, not to put too fine a point on it, shown that I was starting to get dangerously out-of-control with SI behaviour and wasn't even appropriately worried. I managed to bring the incident up right at the beginning of the session. What followed was a hilariously manipulated (by both of us) conversation which lead up to him asking if I would agree to leave my "tool" with him until things in my life calmed down. I agreed, as that had been my intention all along, and gave it to him, feeling a strange mix of bitterness and relief. He thanked me, which was strange, because I should've been the grateful one! (And I am, now, I just couldn't manage it at the time.)

I then brought up a decision I have to make which should be easy but suddenly isn't: whether to visit my boyfriend in BC over the Christmas holidays. I have the means, though there are a few practical concerns. More to the point, though, a relatively innocuous incident between us months ago is now haunting me and making me feel like it would be very dangerous to go.

The act in question is really quite minor; I'm too ashamed even to mention it but suffice to say most would be shocked that it bothered me at all. Things went too far between us physically (by our own standards), and while there was some shame over having transgressed those standards, I do think I'm over that and it's forgiven. What has been haunting me about the incident was how I felt when he was doing that to me; violated, powerless, unable to protest in any way, felt years younger than my actual age... I feel so ridiculous, because of course it wasn't inappropriate in the way I felt it was, I wasn't powerless, and he did nothing wrong; he didn't know what I was going through when he did that until after the fact. Given that all of these things are true and that nothing inappropriate of the sort has ever happened to me, I don't know what to make of these feelings. I want them so badly to go away; but they won't... but how can I deal with them if they have no apparent source? All I can come up with are some really distorted thoughts/feelings I had as a child, and they only make me more ashamed.

Thankfully after that a better point of the session came up. My T asked if I had ever felt that way with him, which allowed me to bring up a comment which I had taken out of context over a year ago and which still bothered me despite being sure that he didn't mean what I heard. He had asked me if I hugged my father, and I automatically responded that I didn't, while remembering one time where he forced me to and I felt like trash (I don't understand why; it was just a hug!)... while I was thinking that, my T had said "Well, if I was your father, I think I'd insist a little." Obviously not taken very well! Once I finished telling him, he explained what he had meant (that he would be concerned if his daughter would not hug him and would try to find out why, even if it was something he had done wrong) and did an admirable job of repairing the misunderstanding.

Thirty/thirty-five minutes in (I don't remember exactly when he saw me but it was 5-10 minutes late), he told me I had five minutes to go so that things could calm down. I noticed how early it was and pointed it out... he completely didn't acknowledge it. So we ended up scheduling appointments for the next few weeks, I tried not to break down because obviously if he was sending me out this early, I already must be a drain and I'd better not make things worse. He didn't even wait for me to finish gathering my things up before walking out of the office to lead me back to the waiting room. I don't want to bring this up, I'm already such a drain on him and I know this will only make me sound manipulative... but I have to, otherwise it will get in the way.

This is just so hard. I don't even know what's wrong with me, really, but something's coming up and I need to deal with it. But the more I work at it, the more I get attached to my T, because I can't do this alone, and that causes grief because all too soon he will be out of my life and I daren't even ask if he will consent to occasional contact after termination. I realised recently that, quite apart from transference, he's the closest thing to a father I've ever had... within the role he is in, he's consistently made efforts to care for and protect me in ways which are significant beyond physical necessities, which my biological father never did. It's better than nothing, and I'm grateful that he's done so, but it's a depressing statement about my life... and I don't know how I'll bear the grief several months from now.





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