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Re: fear of intimacy Dinah

Posted by alexandra_k on October 16, 2005, at 16:18:03

In reply to Re: fear of intimacy alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on October 16, 2005, at 15:20:15

> I'm not sure about the loved and lost idea. It's a lot easier for my dogs, because it's so uncomplicated. Of course I'd rather have loved and lost because there is no betrayal or abandonment, except in the broadest terms.

yes. its easier to be spiritual around nature including animals) because we don't worry about nature judging us or thinking badly of us.

pets don't abandon or reject.

>But when the losing is mixed in with abandonment and anger and all those things... I think I'd have rather never to have loved at all.

it is hard...

i remember talking to a therapist about my father leaving. i said 'i can't change the facts - but i can change the interpretation of the facts'. it is a fact that he left. i would have lost contact with reality if i ever managed to believe that that wasn't true. but it is not a fact... *why* he left.

did he get sick of me?
did he not care for me?
did he intend to abandon me?
didn't he consider my needs?

the way in which we interpret the situation
the way we perceive the situation to be

affects how we feel.
whether it is incredably painful or what.

but the memory...

when i feel love i feel happy in that
secure
and it just comes naturally to spread that around
and things don't seem so painful
i don't feel so alone.

but i felt loved as a kid. i felt that he did love me.

and things changed and he left for whatever reason

but for many years i believed in his love
remembered him well

but over time... i came to doubt that he ever really cared. i started to wonder why he left. and that kind of perverts it. and it is more painful than it has to be.

i think...
people will always grieve at times.

but for me, the connections are what makes life worth living. if i never felt that at all... i think i would feel a bit sad for the person who never experienced that. it is painful at times. when i think i need someone... when i start to doubt the gift they did give me... when i start to doubt their intentions...

but the connection..
was a beautiful thing and it still is
i need those
and i want to try and remember to be more open to them
even brief moments with random strangers

 

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poster:alexandra_k thread:566596
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051008/msgs/567740.html