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the depths of fear - falling into darkness

Posted by rjlockhart98 on October 15, 2005, at 21:20:26

Sometimes at night, I sit and think about what has happened during the day. My thoughts sometimes get wierd, they get i dont know, but it triggers the depth of fear in my body.

I sometimes wonder if I am going on the edge of insanity, well at night is when i get like this. I almost have an adrenaline exhileration reacting to something, i went crazy the other day. "No No im not not" its ok, everything is ok, dont think about anything. I one night went into a ultra panic attack, smashed my cell phone and pictures. I look at all the shatter and didnt think this is happening.

I pray to god that my thoughts will be normal and stable, i will not have any abnormalties.

Have you ever watched a bathtub when water comes out, then you blast it to the max. That is what happens to nuerons, I go, i sit, i start pacing, i start walking through the house, "this is going to pass". I wonder if adrenaline will save me, from my mind. I sit at the couch and see my reflection in the window, who and why?

When i have gone to mental institutions (United Methodist Mental Hostpital) they have told me i have severe anxiety, i wasnt crazy. When they asked questions, do you have feelings of paranoia? i could awnser becuase i was paranoid that i was crazy. They said that I may have had symptoms of hypomania with panic attacks.

I am sitting here tonight, on my laptop, ready for anything, I dont even want to mention insanity becuase it will start an reaction.

I take Zyprexa 2.5 and may move to 5mg.

They referred me to a Lithium Treatment Center, i almost said you mean Thorazine Treatment Center, i did, they laughed, and told me im not crazy. Belive us we have many here.

Stillness, coldness the sound of silence is around me right now. What is going to happen? I am at the depth of fear now.

Please just tell me what you think?




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