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The same old circle

Posted by cricket on October 12, 2005, at 11:06:29

First of all, my apologies for not being around much and giving any support. I know how much people help me here and I hope I can pull it together and respond more often.

Not good times at therapy. We are dealing with a part (adolescent girl) who doesnít like him at all. But my therapist assured me time and time again that itís okay for her to say stuff, itís okay for her to be angry.

But then this past session, some past stuff came out, some childhood stuff and now all of a sudden the doctor says, ďI have a lot of work to do. If we decide to do this, I have a lot of work.Ē

All I heard was the "if we decide to do this." What in the h*ll have we been trying to do for all of these years? Now heís going to change his mind and decide itís too much work.

Anyway, it all started because he asked this one why she felt like it was us vs. them. Why was he one of the them? He didnít understand that.

She said because youíre like authority.

How authority? He was getting defensive already. Arms crossed. Body turned sideways.

You know like a cop, or a boss or a teacher or something. Okay maybe not so much like a cop. But like those other two.

Iím bossy? Heís sounding mad now. When have I ever been bossy?

I didnít say you were bossy. Just that you were like a boss. You know authority. Iím supposed to do what you say. And then I canít do it or I canít do it right so I get called stupid.

Who ever called you stupid?

Everybody. In school and stuff.

Then she/I (we were switching back and forth) wound up telling him stories from school. How I had to stay in the picture book section of the library for years even though all the rich, white kids got to go to the chapter book section because those books were too difficult for me. How the teacher drew some glasses of water on the blackboard and I had this tiny little glass and it was filled all the way up to the top. But everybody else had these big glasses and they just had a bit of water but even their bit of water (just maybe one quarter filled) was more than mine. The teacher said that was why sometimes I could learn stuff and do well was that I was using every bit of my ability but I should relax more and not expect so much of myself and realize that I had limits (this was in 2nd grade, I think).

The doctor had his face screwed up in disbelief. How did they know this? They must have done some psychological testing, he kept on insisting. Did they do testing?

I said you donít think people get judged based on the way they look, they act, they smell.

No, they must have done some kind of testing.

I donít know I kept on insisting. I was 7 years old.

Did you get placed in special education?

I donít think they had that. They just kept me back a lot and made me write my letters while the other kids got to go to art and reading groups and stuff.

Then junior high came and they said I needed to go to the vocational track.

I argued and argued and spent countless hours (where did I ever get the courage?) protesting that I wanted the academic track. I didnít like typing. I certainly didnít want auto mechanics. I liked to read.

Finally the guidance counselor relented. I clearly remember him Ė an old man who seemed more exhausted than anything else. He said weíll try it for one semester, but I think we both know weíre making a mistake.

But then I got to high school and one teacher in 9th grade took pity on me or something. I, of course, was fighting a lot too and maybe they just wanted to protect the other kids. But then by the end of 9th grade, they put me in the Library and said I could be on independent study. I had to take tests in the classroom but I could do all my work in the library. I loved it. Six hours a day, completely alone, surrounded by books.

Thatís when the doctor kept saying ďI have a lot of work to do.Ē

He sounded so dismayed. "So now I see why you wanted to hold her back. Now I see why you didnít want her (meaning the adolescent part) just to speak and let the chips fall where they may. I can just imagine some of the the things she would like to say to me."

Then he continued, ďNow the chips have fallen. I have a lot of work to do,Ē he repeated. Then he said, ďIf we decide to do this.Ē

So now I am just angry with him. Angry that he is so privileged and so naÔve to think that the world extends that same privilege to everyone. Angry that he wants to quit now when I have invested so much time and money into this.

He was quite defensive too. "I think itís a paradox that in the eyes of most of the world you would be privileged too." And "you know rich people suffer too. Weíre all the same in our suffering."

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

So once again I push a major button on my therapist. I don't disagree with anything he said. And I know, if past behavior means anything, next week he will think things over and realize that him saying over and over "I have a lot of work to do," isn't the most helpful thing in the world and he will come back with a better, fresher perspective on this.

But geez, sometimes I wish he would just say "Go away."



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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:cricket thread:566033
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051008/msgs/566033.html