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How My Therapist thinks (update)

Posted by daisym on October 11, 2005, at 19:51:33

In reply to Re: How therapists think or feel (trigger) daisym, posted by Poet on October 10, 2005, at 19:34:38

I told my therapist what I've been researching and what my questions were. He said he does the same thing when he is worried about something, though he did point out that he would rather I was researching trauma therapy instead of suicidal ideation. I get what he was saying.

He asks really hard questions, like: "are you needing something different from me?" I don't know how to answer that. I told him flat out that I wanted to be rescued and I hated that I already knew that he couldn't do that for me. Only I can do that for me. And I hate that I know the answers are: "you have the power to make choices" and "some things are not in your control, only your response is in your control." I guess I don't want to grow up and be in charge of my life right now. I wish there was a life swap site, like the partner swap ones. He agreed that he couldn't rescue me but he also said that just because I couldn't get everything I needed or wanted from him didn't mean I couldn't get any of it from him. I've never been an all or nothing kind of gal so I don't know why I'm doing that now.

I think I'm still scared I'm going to overwhelm him or disappointment him with my lack of strength. And then what? He says he has no expectations or timelines and I don't need to take care of him. Yesterday he talked about the hospital and I flatly refused. He talked about taking some time off and I refused that too. He pointed out that I'm in the middle of a major depressive episode, I seem to have lost confidence in his ability to help me and I won't tell my friends or family I'm in crisis. So, what was my next move? I couldn't answer that either. I threw it back at him -- "isn't it your job to know what to do now?" He said he thought we should focus on why I had pulled so far away from him and why I wouldn't let him help me. Because usually I feel better when I feel connected and cared for.

Today he let me talk for a while and then he asked why I had shut down the younger parts of me. I told him he had heard the stories and I needed to focus on solving problems not reliving old ones. He looked sad and said he felt them in the room and he thought little daisy might have things to say today. I couldn't help it -- I started to cry and out she came, I completely regressed, told him about the flashbacks and continued to cry. And then apologized all over the place. He said it was OK, "she needs to cry with me" -- and pointed out how intensely I still tell the stories. "We aren't done with this and you need to tell me over and over and over, as much as you want or need to. It is OK."

I came home and fell asleep on the keyboard. I'm so tired but at least I feel connected and safe with him again.

Who said it? Therapy is REALLY hard work.

 

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