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Re: therapy is like being in love Dinah

Posted by alexandra_k on October 9, 2005, at 18:27:27

In reply to Re: therapy is like being in love alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on October 9, 2005, at 9:49:45

> What I am reading in your post is that you are saying that I am mistaken in my internal experience of my own feelings.

I didn't mean to do that...
I didn't think that I did do that...
I'm sorry that you thought I did :-(
Can you tell me where? Because I really do want to be very careful to not do that :-(

> Something that only I can know, except to the extent that I can adequately convey it in words to others.

Yeah. I agree. Each person is authoratative on their experiences. What seems to be the case to them.

> I'm going to try to reread it as saying that it might be helpful for me to have higher expectations about the likelihood of finding another therapist to bond with, since higher expectations increase the likelihood of success for many people. Although that's never actually been my experience.

Uh... That wasn't quite what I was getting at. I was just thinking that your experience of bonds... (And I hope I'm hearing you correctly) But your experience of bonds... Is that there are a number of individuals who you have felt such a close attachment to. And so what I'm thinking... Is that based on your experience... Such a thing is surely possible again.

And that is NOT to say that one person comes along and replaces another person or anything like that. But it is to say that you can have a close attachment to different individuals (most probably at different times).

> And long term therapists aren't like puppies. They're more like husbands. You can't just pick a guy and grow to enjoy having him as a husband.

Depends on what you want in a husband I guess...

I went out with this guy from Sri Lanka once.
We had a chat about the notion of arranged marriages.
I was fairly appalled at the idea to start with but...
It grew on me.
This is based on my dodgey memory
(and there was a slight language barrier)
But here goes...

Someone (guy or girl) decides its about time they got married and started a family.
Their family places an advertisment in the paper on their behalf.
A little bit about them.
The family receive CV's.
Hobbies, interests, etc etc.
The family (incl the person who wants to get married) have a look through the CV's.
And the idea is that there will be something of a consensus on a short list.
Everybody in the family meets the short listed applicants and the person who wants to get married goes out on a couple dates with them or whatever.

And anyways...
The point is that for them marriage doesn't seem to be along the lines of our ideal of 'romantic love' where you have intense feelings of passion for someone and get married on that basis (and get divorced however many years later when the feeling goes away).
Rather, marriage is supposed to be about companionship and friendship and things like reliability and trust. And so it is a committment. A lifelong committment. A decision to make things work if you will.

And over time...
Over time the bonds strengthen and grow...

And yeah they have problems
Like our culture has problems

But the point is that mostly it works out for them
Which I suppose is why the practice is maintained.

And another point is that...

It doesn't take them long to sort it out.
They don't take years and years hunting for the person to marry.

Maybe its a little like interviewing candidates for a job...

And once you have a shortlist most would suffice.

But I suppose this is only going to horrify people.


I think husbands might be a little like...
Out of a thousand guys...
half of those might drive you nuts
quarter of those you might get on fairly okay with (circumstances permitting)
half of those again you might be able to have fairly okay relationships with (circumstances permitting)

I dunno...
I don't really want to haggle over the stats.

I just think that the space of possible people who you can feel connected to might well be bigger than you think...

And that time and proximity and circumstances play a hugely significant role...

But while you feel so attached to t1 then I guess circumstances are conspiring against you (because there simply isn't enough time in the day to feel so very attached to lots of different people at the same time)

Sorry if you think I'm full of crap...

Just trying for hope.

But I don't seem to be so good at that.




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