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Re: Daisy? (trigger)

Posted by daisym on October 7, 2005, at 20:38:50

In reply to Daisy?, posted by All Done on October 7, 2005, at 0:45:47

Thanks for thinking about me. I've been buried, both with work and emotionally. Things are unraveling for me and I spent a very bad night in a hotel room thinking that I had completely reached the end of my rope and I just couldn't face another day. I fell asleep clutching my cell phone and a bottle of sleeping pills. I slept for two hours, which was enough to gain some self-control again. I've decided drinking on nights like this is NOT a good idea.

My therapist called yesterday afternoon slightly panicked because I hadn't shown up for my appointment. He forgot we moved it to the evening because I was traveling. But as hard as he tried to be sort of nonchalant in his message I could hear the edge and I hate myself for putting such a huge burden on him and making him worry. And I wasn't very nice during the session. He told me something has to give, I had to let go of something. And I snapped at him that everyone tells me that, but then they add "but not my stuff." He is the same way because he wants me to prioritize therapy -- and I told him I'm too busy for therapy. He countered with "it doesn't matter how much work there is to do if you aren't alive to do it." Ouch. I think he is getting p*ss*d about all of this.

My homework is to try to write about why I want to die. What is driving these thoughts and why is this the only answer? I haven't done it yet. I want to just scream "enough" and keep screaming it. But no one is listening, so why bother?

I am touched that you thought about me, but don't worry.
Hugs, Daisy




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