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Re: A Question and a big ***trigger***,long ans. terrics

Posted by muffled on October 7, 2005, at 15:29:53

In reply to A Question and a big ***trigger***, posted by terrics on October 7, 2005, at 12:49:16

> This involves cutting so if you cannot read this post I understand. My therapist has asked me many times what cutting does for me. I am not sure, but I get the feeling that my answer is not something that she is used to. I am going to say it here...the answer is that when I cut it totally clears my mind. Initially I focus on the injury I have inflicted. I am careful because I do not want to waste time in the hospital. After the wound is cared for my mind has cleared considerably and I can take care of the things that need to be done. Eventually I start ruminating again and my mind becomes so unbelievably cluttered I will do it again. Somtimes I go quite awhile before my mind becomes so over taxed and then I will repeat this cycle. I am trying very hard not to do it, and to find other ways to clear my mind. It has been at least 6 weeks that I have not done it. What I would like to know is: Do aother self-injurers know why they cut? and if so can you tell me why? I know this is very personal stuff so if I get no answers I wll understand. I am not even sure if I am allowed to post this here. terrics

yeah. i'm a cutter. Been doing it off and on for alot of years. Right this very moment I'm doing the 15 minute thing so I won't do it. Don't worry, your post didn't trigger me, I was already doing the 15 min. thing. There are some very good websites about cutting, but you've proly already found them.
Your answer is not at all unusual. That is one of my primary reasons for cutting. My T. calls it being overwhelmed. I do it for other reasons too. To feel tough, like I can take any kind of pain. Sometimes I do it to punish myself for being such an idiot. Sometimes just to express visually the pain I'm feeling inside.
The severity varies too. Sometimes I take ASA so it will bleed more freely with less damage. Sometimes the blood is important, other times not. What I hate most are the scars. I hate lying to my kids about what the marks on me are. I am ashamed of doing something so gross.
But I am working on it. Right now I'm kinda stressed about 'stuff' and I think thats why I wanto SI. Partly mad at myself and partly feeling overwhelmed. I am trying to learn how better to deal with these feelings. I didn't even used to be able to know this much. So I think I am moving(agonizingly slowly) in the right direction.
Hope this isn't too long. Sorry.
Muffled.

 

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