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My answer... *** BIG TRIGGER *** terrics

Posted by greyskyeyes on October 7, 2005, at 15:14:33

In reply to A Question and a big ***trigger***, posted by terrics on October 7, 2005, at 12:49:16

Sigh... yeah, this is tough stuff to talk about. But it's good to bring it out in the open. It helps to understand it in both yourself and others; understanding brings with it the tools to eventually overcome it. So... here goes:

(THIS IS GRAPHIC SO *PLEASE* DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY SI)

I scratch, enough to cause severe welts and occasionally enough to draw blood.
I hit myself/ throw myself into things, enough to cause massive bruises.
I occasionally bang my head into things/ whack my head with things.
Finally crossed the line and cut myself with a knife last weekend. :(

Why?? Generally one of two reasons.
#1: I am under severe emotional stress. Emotions are so powerful they are threatening to overwhelm me and I cannot deal with them anymore; the pain calms me down and provides a physical distraction. I can be hysterical/ screaming/ incoherent and the pain immediately causes me to become lucid.
#2: I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I retreat almost completely into my head; everything sort of goes numb - sort of a dissociation. But at the back of my mind I am aware vaguely that something is not right. Sudden pain brings me back to myself - makes the whole world 'real' for me again.

What scares me is that, instead of getting better, my SI seems to be escalating in severity. It happens less often, but the intensity is picking up. The knife episode scared me. I just stood there, fascinated by the fact that I was bleeding, until my husband tackled me (really, literally)... then I saw drops all over the kitchen floor and just thought, wow. Later though... yeah, I freaked out over the fact that I did that. Still can't bring myself to pick up a (sharp) knife.

Can't really offer any insight for you, I'm afraid. I hope my disclosure helps you. And, I understand. Man do I understand. It's tough as hell. :(

~ grey


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poster:greyskyeyes thread:564066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051001/msgs/564125.html