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My sessions this week ***maybe trigger***LONG

Posted by antigua on October 7, 2005, at 11:47:30

Sometimes I think I can't write anything that isn't a trigger anymore. I'm feeling pretty pathetic these days.

I usually have one session/week but since I felt we had wasted our time on day-to-day issues this week, I asked for another session. So I saw her Wed and Thurs.

The Thurs session was very difficult. I even cried some (which I NEVER do anymore). Conveniently, I had a dream between the two sessions that involved her. Long story, but she interpreted part of it as there being a huge block between us, which I will agree with. So, how can I still not completely trust her after working with her for 14 years??? Iknow this is why we can't reach the devastating effects of the csa, because I refuse to fully acknowledge them. At times I still think I've totally made it up.

I've always known that I have two views of my abuser: the good father, who took care of me and loved me; and the beast who came into my room at night. I still love that good father and I just can't get to the beast, or accept that my father was that person. I can still feel and remember the terrible, mournful, disgusting feelings after he would leave my room at night, but the next morning things always seemed fine. Nobody ever said anything and life went on as normal, so my T says this is why I used the defense that this didn't happen and if it did, it was all my fault. My inner reality of what happened at night just clashed too much with the daytime life (even though things happened during the day, too, sometimes).

So my T was happy that she discovered the very basic kernel of my denial, but I don't see how that helps. I've always said my strength is my greatest weakness, and I've fought hard to keep it all very balanced. The thing is, I don't see any of this changing at all. I don't know how to open up anymore than I have with her. But it's not a matter of getting another T, that's just not the solution.

The flip side of this discussion was about me being attracted to men who appear on the surface to have the qualities of my good father. It's only happened two or three times, but when they reject me (which always happens), the rejection just brings up the rejection by my father when he finally left our family when I was still young. It's so very painful, and I'm going through this right now, and all I want is to be comforted and held. But it has to be by a man, and it's not my husband because he doesn't possess those qualities I so desparately loved. So my transference happens with these men (usually men of authority who I feel have betrayed me, but it's still my fault) and not with my T. She's the good maternal figure in my life, and she has done everything right in supporting me as my mother should have, but that's about it.

Anyone have any ideas or thoughts about all this?




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poster:antigua thread:564045