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Very down--sorry not around so much

Posted by gardenergirl on October 5, 2005, at 15:52:05

I've been busier at times than I thought I would be, considering I'm only at the clinic one day a week now. I thought I'd be all over that "d-word" thing, but I've found other pressing stuff to fill the time. So of course I'm beating myself up for not doing what I had planned and spending several hours per day on my "d".

Plus, I haven't been feeling well, which likely is due to the dose (still low) of Lamictal I've been taking. So I dropped it back, the side effects went away, and now I'm depressed. Very blue. Doing nothing but wanting to sleep or stare into space. No appetite (now that's not like me AT ALL!) etc. I'm going back up on Nardil, which is depressing in and of itself. I should check to see when I have a pdoc appt. And T cancelled today, although we rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Sigh

And we recently found out bad news about my father-in-law's health--just before we went to visit them for the weekend. My hubby is devastated, and it's very very sad. Not going away any time soon, either--long haul kind of stuff. His mother is extremely stressed out, and it's just awful to see the two of them interact/ bicker right now.

And to see my hubby cry. He just doesn't do that. It's heartbreaking. What was that symbol for tears again?

This has opened up a whole lot of stuff beyond the immediate grief over the diagnosis. Stuff about trying to educate ourselves about the latest research on treatment and the expected course. Stuff about heritability and how to protect my hubby from getting it if possible. Whether we should look into genetic pre-natal counseling to test for this gene, among other health stuff that runs in his family before deciding whether to have children. Whether we should "hurry up' and have a child while his father could still enjoy being a grandfather.

And of course that issue opens up a whole 'nother can of worms.

Not to mention the primitive fears related to loss that are being triggererd.

Sigh, even 10 mg of ambien didn't help me sleep last night.

Okay gg, what would you tell yourself? Stay busy and distracted by doing mundane things. Pay attention to self-care. Talk to your hubby and to others. Honor your grief. Call your pdoc. DO your D, even if it's just a paragraph. Go work in your garden.

Anybody want to repeat that to me?

Damn it. It's hard to be the supportive wife when you feel like sh*t yourself.

Thanks for listening.





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poster:gardenergirl thread:563288