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Went to t yesterday without me:(

Posted by kerria on October 1, 2005, at 12:53:30

Hi Everyone,
i'm sorry if anyone feels hurt because i couldn't write awile ago. i had a terrible migraine that lasted days and afterwards wasn't able to even look at anything to do with what was a topic before. The conflict is too much- it literally made me physically unable. i thought i was going to die, i wasn't able to hold anything down for days which is a bad problem because i need to take a lot of medicine for the severe pain.

For about three weeks i wasn't able to see T at all either. Finally yesterday i went but another part came and was there instead, preventing me from talking and the other parts that usually come weren't able to come yesterday either. It feels like i didn't even go. i hate what i remember was talked about and am angry with T for not talking to me. He asked but didn't make the weird blended part that i hate get out of the way.

T is doing supportive therapy because it was too upsetting to really work on communicating with parts. i asked him to do that for now but it was a mistake. It feels like T abandoned me and i wasn't even able to communicate with T.
A part that is like my m. comes and eclipses all of me out, generalizing and blending everything away. i wish i could find a way to stop it from happening, i can't. i remember later and i hate what was said and what i was like:(
It's ok for my mom but not in me.

i'm so worried because i just got finished listening to a book on tape "The Joy Luck Club" which was good but scared me and i'm afraid the part like my mother has taken over.
i need to find an identity i need to find a way to get my parts and myself out.





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