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Re: Progress with the Ego States... Pfinstegg

Posted by littleone on August 29, 2005, at 22:07:11

In reply to Progress with the Ego States..., posted by Pfinstegg on August 27, 2005, at 10:58:25

Your post was very timely for me.

My T has previously said that he believes I have a shattered ego (sense of self). Which sounds scary and vague to me. So I took in a heap of posts from you and daisy explaining your ideas about Ego State Disorders and after reading through them, he explained that he was talking about the same sort of thing (just different terminology).

Since then I've been so confused and conflicted about it. Often it feels right. And it explains so many things, eg like how I can have such opposite opinions of myself at different times or why I become so childlike at times.

But at other times I think it's ridiculous to even consider it. It seems like such a severe and serious problem that could only be caused by terrible and chronic childhood abuse. My dad is a bit scary, but I just can't see that my parents were *that* bad.

But then I think I have a heap of issues around not wanting to admit they may have been abusive.

So everything's tangled up and hard to see.

It makes it hard too to think okay, maybe I don't have a shattered ego. In that case, do I feel like I have a whole ego? A constant sense of self? A cohesive and fluid history of my life? Sadly, I believe no, but then it's hard for me to comprehend what a whole ego would feel like. Maybe I am feeling it, but I just don't know it.

I asked my T about this the other day. Does it feel like one entity, or does it still not feel whole as such, ie does it still feel like you're made up of parts (eg husband, father, friend, workmate, etc) but they all kind of fit together like a cohesive, collective group to make up your self?

I've forgotten how he worded it, but he basically said that he feels like just one person filling all those roles. But it's still hard for me to understand that.

Has your T talked about this before?

So much of your post really rang true for me.

> As you enter therapy and begin working on them, you know they are there- but you don't yet know how vital they really are to the way you function in life. You also don't really know in the beginning that they do not always agree with one another about how much to trust people, and how best to interact with others. You think the adult part is making all the decisions about things like that- and making good ones.

Yes, this all feels so familiar. I just don't want it to be.

> the younger parts come more out of your unconscious and feel more and more real. You begin to know a lot more, but you tend to feel sicker-almost crazy, really- trying to deal with all kinds of different feelings and impulses- and still feel like one person. I think that's the hardest part- you don't feel like a single person anymore, so it gets very hard to organize your life meaningfully.

This is how I feel at the moment. Like when you buy a new car and suddenly start seeing the same sort of car everywhere on the roads. Now that I'm starting to think about parts or ego states, I can see them a lot now. If I'm feeling an overwhelming emotion, I can start to see that perhaps it's a younger part that is scared/angry/whatever about something. If I'm feeling torn between things, I can start to see that different parts of me are after different things (eg one might be after comfort/caring and the other after known safety).

> I'm writing about this, because it's not exactly like most people's therapy-(I know Daisy's is like this), but I wanted people to know that it is really helping. I do mean REALLY. It was what was wrong with me, and working in this way has decreased the amount of depression and anxiety I had by a great deal, and has increased my confidence a lot, too.

You give me hope. I've felt so hopeless for a such a long time now. Every little ray of hope is like precious gold to me. I'm so glad you found a T who could recognise what your problem really was and treat it accordingly.

> This concept is not so different from the current thinking that we all go through life trying to feel like one while being many..

Could you please explain this a little more? Are you saying that even people with a healthy sense of self try to feel like one while being many?

I've read "The Myth of Sanity" and from what I recall it talked about everyone sort of having parts (eg when they say "I wasn't myself"), but that we are all on a continuim where I guess you and I would be outside the healthy range, but not right over at the DID end. Is this what you're talking about above?




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