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Re: Therapy is just too hard Pfinstegg

Posted by daisym on August 27, 2005, at 20:46:18

In reply to Re: Therapy is just too hard daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on August 27, 2005, at 17:08:32

>>>>Do you try to think in terms of which age part is feeling what? I'm very slowly learning to ask myself which part is afraid of being so closely attached, and which part is either ambivalent or longing to be as close as possible.
***I can usually tell how old I feel. Sometimes I just feel myself going young and I resist. Then I get a headache. And it is strange that different ages are more attached than others. But each one wants to be heard...and each one wants to try to convince our therapist that it wasn't the other ages' fault. This is relatively new, the need to defend what happened at a younger age.

My analyst often says things like, "I think (this part) appreciates that you are trying to understand how she is feeling." Then, of course, a lot of the work we do is talking in detail about all the experiences and feelings of that particular part, in relation to my mother and father.
***My therapist still has to ask if it would be OK for me to just let little daisy talk to him. He does remind me that the goal is that I feel more seamless and I can tolerate the parts of me as me, and they don't have to feel separate. New lately is more than one state being there at a time, talking about each other.

I'm finding, too, that talking about my mother is the most painful- neglecting me emotionally, sending me to my father for severe beatings, not protecting me from sexual abuse by him. At first, my distress was mostly about him, but that has changed some. It hurts an awful lot to have such rageful, disappointing feelings about our own mothers, doesn't it?
***It does hurt an awful lot. More than I ever expected. I keep trying to label it inappropriate and every time my therapist stops me and says, "maybe not." I wonder if I had done this work before I had my own kids if I would feel the mother stuff at the depth that I do. I can't help but ask, "How could she not have known? I would have known."

Mine sounds kind of like yours- she always thought I could do "anything", but she never helped or supported me. She was actually jealous and veangeful even when I was very young, considering that I was smarter and prettier than she was, so why help me, and make herself feel even more inadequate? Was (is?) yours like that?
***I don't believe my mother ever felt inadequate a day in her life. EVER. She is the original glass ceiling breaker, ball-buster, woman in a man's world LADY. All of this done in a skirt, pumps and make-up. She is really, really nice and much beloved in her field. All that said, my therapist is convinced that she was jealous of how close I always was to my dad. I went to him for comfort and support and he gave it usually. And he wasn't like that with very many people. So maybe that is why she didn't see...she couldn't bear to look to close at the two of us.

I am finding that identifying "who" is in the most distress at a given moment enables me to calm that part down- often by remembering understanding and comforting things my analyst has said to that part, and sort of repeating those to her.
I*** think this is something I need to try. Because I'm always surprised at how anxious I feel, or how sad, or how lost over the weekends. But it rotates. Instead of shoving it aside, maybe I should try to listen a little.(and then shove it aside!)

It's really a full-time job, but I do feel "we" are making progress slowly but surely. I do hope the same is true for you, Daisy. Overall. it sounds like you really are. I guess the hardest thing is accepting how much pain there is with this kind of emotional ilness, and how quickly we can just get stunned by it.
***Yes! Dropping into that hole suddenly still surprises me. Or, how emotional I can get over stories I've already told. Last week we agreed that it is a good thing I'm the boss because sometimes it is impossible to work with all of this going on. I end up going in on the weekends or in the evening to catch up.

I know I'm making progress. I can see a difference. I guess I'll just have to remember that this just can't be forced into a fast track. I've tried that and the result is emotional flooding that is too hard to handle. I'm glad you feel you are making progress too.




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