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Re: Therapy is just too hard daisym

Posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2005, at 14:43:07

In reply to Re: Therapy is just too hard gardenergirl, posted by daisym on August 25, 2005, at 23:55:20

> Humming is good.
> He said yesterday that the longing might never go away. It is so primal that there will always be times that it hurts and gets reactivated.

Although I'm sure this was very painful to hear, I like his honesty. And doesn't knowing this help just a tiny bit?

>It wasn't painful for her, she had complete confidence that I would wow the world. I was, after all, her daughter. She has complete confidence now that I can move from being a mom to being "so much more." She says I've done my job well, but I have so much potential.

Oh sweetie, what a mixed up message this is. You are already so much. You are already enough exactly as you are. Mother's are "supposed to" get that. I can tell you do with your own boys.

>Another ironic thing -- my therapist goes on vacation the week my son leaves. I said I'd be fine. He said he knows, he is just worried about me being alone with my grief (again) and putting up huge walls. I told him I had you guys. :)

Sounds like the concierge at Camp Comfort needs to get your room ready.
> Mostly I'm struggling with struggling. I feel myself getting dragged down and tired and anxious. I want to quit, without quitting. Does that make sense?

Yes, this makes sense. It sounds like you are just fatigued with it all. Perhaps during the week off you can do some self-care stuff? Really just pamper yourself and recharge. Or better still, do nothing. Any chance of taking a day or more off work? When is the last time you had a vacation?

>I feel like I sort of got past the huge waves of separation anxiety and now they are back again. I can't go forward if I keep going backwards.

I would hazard a guess that even if it's going backwards, you move forward quicker and easier now than you did before. Kind of like what my T says about projective identification. It pretty much always knocks you down when it's thrown at you, but you get better at picking yourself up and dusting yourself off faster and easier. Or so he says, anyway.
> I realize I'm whining.

You're not whining. This is what you feel, and it's real. You are allowed to express that. It's okay.

>And I'm not the only person struggling, by any stretch. It is all fear driven. If I can stay stuck right here, on this part, maybe I don't have to sort out the dreams and new memories and new sensations. Not much chance he'll let me do that, is there?

You have the power in that choice, even if it doesn't feel that way. And I know that's not what you want to hear deep down. But it's a paradigm shift to know that you do have choices in this. Choices come with consequences, of course. So you might very well choose what your T recommends. But choosing it is important. Because it means you choose YOU. That's a big thing.
> Hum louder, GG. I'm hearing only my own dark thoughts again.

Humming away.....






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poster:gardenergirl thread:546696