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Re: Therapy is just too hard gardenergirl

Posted by daisym on August 25, 2005, at 23:55:20

In reply to Re: Therapy is just too hard, posted by gardenergirl on August 25, 2005, at 22:02:57

Humming is good.

He said yesterday that the longing might never go away. It is so primal that there will always be times that it hurts and gets reactivated. Like right now, as I let one of my children slip away, I realize how precious the bond between mother and child is. It is painful for me, though I'm very excited for him. It wasn't painful for her, she had complete confidence that I would wow the world. I was, after all, her daughter. She has complete confidence now that I can move from being a mom to being "so much more." She says I've done my job well, but I have so much potential. So I definately (still) can't cry to her. Another ironic thing -- my therapist goes on vacation the week my son leaves. I said I'd be fine. He said he knows, he is just worried about me being alone with my grief (again) and putting up huge walls. I told him I had you guys. :)

Mostly I'm struggling with struggling. I feel myself getting dragged down and tired and anxious. I want to quit, without quitting. Does that make sense? I feel like I sort of got past the huge waves of separation anxiety and now they are back again. I can't go forward if I keep going backwards.

I realize I'm whining. And I'm not the only person struggling, by any stretch. It is all fear driven. If I can stay stuck right here, on this part, maybe I don't have to sort out the dreams and new memories and new sensations. Not much chance he'll let me do that, is there?

Hum louder, GG. I'm hearing only my own dark thoughts again.




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