Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Therapy is just too hard

Posted by daisym on August 25, 2005, at 20:31:52

Sessions aren't long enough, I'm in tears half the time now and I'm sure I'm making my therapist nuts. Tuesday I pitched a hissy about losing a session and today I told him I didn't want to come because I left upset yesterday. Upset with him. Upset with this stupid process. Upset with being upset. I hate this!

We were talking about my mother. Of all the subjects we talk about, this is one of the most painful. And I don't really know why it hurts so much. But it opens this cavern of longing and neediness and well, anger, that is so vast it is frightening. The worst part is that I can't hang on to my connection to my therapist when we talk about my mother. We tried to figure out why today. I said it is because I feel the need to hide so much of myself from her. It is automatic. So there isn't enough of me to hang on to him. He asked me if I'm worried he will judge me, or dismiss me, like she always did. I don't think so. I think it is because he allows my anger to erupt and thinks it is just fine. I want him to help me shut it off. Instead I shut him off. He wondered if I'm fleeing to the ceiling again (dissociating) and that is why the connection is hard to feel. What I realized after I left is that I don't want him to be angry at her. If I say all the things I'm thinking about her, won't he be upset with her? On the other hand, I don't want him to defend her either. I want to ask him questions he can't possibly know the answers to, like: "how could she not have known? And what if she did and didn't do anything?!" I want him to tell me that HE would have known and HE would have done something. But I also know that HE isn't my mother, he can't undo what was done and this isn't an OK thing to want from him.

I just don't think I can face knowing any more of my own story. I don't want to be suicidal again. I don't want to be angry and bitter and lash out at anyone, especially not my therapist. I really, really don't want to lose my connection to him. It feels so horribly empty and I'm so lost when the connection gets severed. He said it isn't ever really severed, just harder to feel sometimes. He maintains that he will keep the connection alive and well until I can do it for myself again. But can he? And isn't he eventually going to get fed up with having to work so hard at keeping me connected?

Therapy is just too da*n hard. Tell me again why I keep at it?!




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