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Why am I so incompetent?

Posted by Tamar on August 25, 2005, at 18:44:49

Iíve been having a bit of transference/termination trouble the last couple of weeks. Iíve been missing him so much: itís been five months since I saw his face, or heard his voice. I miss his laughÖ I keep thinking I see him and then I realise itís someone of a similar height and build. Iíve mistaken five men for him in the last two days. Iíve been trying to ride it out, but yesterday I found myself missing watching the back of his head as I walked behind him to his office!

So I figured it was time to reach for my secret symbolic pillar-of-support. He left me a message on my answering machine last October (the only message he ever left). I kept the tape (it was a really old answering machine!) and put it in a drawer in case I ever needed to hear his voice. And all this time I havenít listened to it: I was saving it for when I felt I really needed it. And I felt I really needed it today.

So I went out and bought a dictation machine that uses the same kind of tapes. And I got my tape out of the drawer and listened to it.

And what I heard was twelve messages from nearly a year ago: my husband telling me he was on his way home and stuff like that. But no therapist. The message wasnít there. I donít know how it happened. Did I somehow let the machine record over the message? Did I get my tapes confused? Iíve searched the house and havenít found another tape from the answering machine. I donít know how I made the mistake but somehow I screwed up.

All this time Iíve believed I had a small reminder of him: something tangible with which to remember him. And now it turns out I donít. I feel as if Iíve lost him completely.

Many tearsÖ




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