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Complete Reversal - Long

Posted by cricket on August 23, 2005, at 19:30:31

First off, I want to thank everyone for their support this week. It was rough and I couldn't have made it without so many of you.

Now as far as therapy. Better but still strange.

First of all, it was like he didn't want to go there, didn't want to discuss it. He usually pokes and prods - any thoughts about our last session? And I always say no. Then he pokes some more. Remember we were talking about (insert subject) and you said blah, blah and he usually still doesn't get much out of me.

But this time nothing. He started asking about my son, about work. Like chit chat. Then he says you seem strange to me. Did you rush here?

Then I took the plunge. Well I guess maybe I am a little confused about last week. And I said that I didn't understand why the dream was so negative to him.

He said well I think it was a good dream because now it means it is time for us to get real.

I said I didn't understand real. I said the girl was just really wanting to talk to him and she feels like she failed and she felt sad. But she really, really wanted to so why was that negative?

He asked, "Where is she now?"

I told him that she was sleeping.

Then he said, "Well I know I said negative but negative doesn't really mean negative. It means positive."

Yes, he said just that.

I must have looked askance because he said, "Well maybe I was thinking more of the ways it showed me not being very helpful. She had to talk to this social secretary and then I'm making a speech in some formal spanish and saying some not very nice things."

"We don't care about that. We like to hear your voice even if it's goobledy g*ok."

Then he went off into lots of metaphors, about electrical voltage, newsrooms and some other stuff which escapes me. Mostly about therapy communication being too much for this little girl who never speaks to anyone.

At the end, he asked me if I was feeling better. When I sort of shrugged, he said "Are we still not in agreement on this dream?"

I said again, "she just wanted to talk to you. She didn't take offense at anything you said. She doesn't expect you to speak her language. She wanted to listen to you more but she didn't think it was appropriate for her to listen to something she didn't pay for."

Then he said, and I think that this is the most revealing of his own feelings as he has ever been (if they are his true feelings)

"Maybe I just try too hard sometimes. Sometimes I get so afraid that she's just going to disappear and not come back. I just don't want to do something that makes her go away. It's kind of like when your kids learn how to do something, it feels so momentous that you don't know how to react. You're ready for the video camera and everything and that's just intrusive sometimes."

So do I trust his words? I guess if I want to continue I have to try.

But what makes him go off like that? It's not the first time. Is it just frustration?

Is he really afraid that I am going to disappear? I can't really believe that.

I mean he has good reason to believe I might disappear. He knows how I dread therapy. He knows I have parts that think this whole therapy thing is sh*t for the birds.

But you would think he would be ready to get the party hat out if I disappear.

That's what I don't understand.

If I could understand that, maybe I would trust him. But I don't, not yet I don't.




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poster:cricket thread:545815