Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Posted by daisym on June 16, 2005, at 1:34:22

In reply to Re: Sad and confused, posted by pegasus on June 15, 2005, at 14:42:51

Thank you all for your input and nudging. I did go see my therapist today. He wasn't mad that I canceled, just concerned for me. He said he imagined that I was just overwhelmed and needed to not talk about it for a while. He said isolating myself wasn't healthy but he could understand why I needed to. He did mention that we have an agreement that he won't let me just pull away without talking to him about why...and that it was me who asked for this.

He asked me if I was mad at him, especially since he is going on vacation in 9 days. I said I didn't think so, that I was ready for the vacation and more prepared this year. He didn't challenge me on this, though he did raise his eyebrows. He agrees with what most of you guys wrote, that this is the tidal wave after the weekend earth quake. He said it would probably help if I could just talk about what happened inside my head this weekend but I struggled with this. So I made a list of all the little and big things that were upsetting this weekend, as quickly as I could, without forethought. Surprisingly (for me anyway) I had my therapist tucked away in the middle of the list, kind of buried. It was "you didn't come and get me" -- put sort of jokingly but there were immediate tears. I mumbled something about it being a "little kid wish" and he very quietly said it was OK for me to have this wish. He said, "I let you down." I protested, saying there was nothing he could have done and I knew this. He joked a little: "you wanted me to swoop in with the batcopter and get you out of there -- but you didn't call me." I said I should have used the bat signal -- and then he got serious and said, "I really do wish there was more that I could have done and I don't think you are telling me the worst of it. I can see you are suffering and I want you to share it with me." The tears came out then, and we talked about some of it. We talked about the conflicting feelings of really wanting the weekend to be over and have my dad go home and how sad and awful I feel when my dad leaves. This is an old conflict and a very painful one.

Which took us right back to the vacation - "Are you worried about me leaving?" and I sort of nodded and tearfully said I didn't want to be bothered by it, but I was and I didn't want to talk about it. But of course we did..."

We aren't done with this, I still don't know why yesterday was impossible and why it was so hard to make myself go today. But I left feeling less alone and more connected to him again. I did sort of wail about how long I'm taking and such slow progress. He told me (again!) that this process takes a very long time and I'm too in the middle to see the progress but he does. I reminded him that I'm an over-achiever and have high expectations for myself! Mostly I'm just shocked that it hurts this much again. It takes me to such a dark, hopeless place.

Thank you all again for your support. I will try to keep posting if you don't get sick of this and me. I feel like such a downer these days.




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