Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Sad and confused

Posted by daisym on June 15, 2005, at 0:23:43

I have no idea what is going on with me. I'm hurting, a lot actually, and I feel really torn up inside. I'm under so much pressure I feel like I'm going to explode. Yet I'm avoiding my therapist. I called and canceled yesterday about 2 hours before my session and he caught me on my cell phone and asked me to please come, even if I felt I couldn't talk about these feelings. So I went, and I tried, but mostly I fought back tears and filled in the blanks of the events of the weekend for him.

I had a very hard night, lots of nightmares and I woke up knowing I couldn't go to therapy today. I called midmorning and left the message that I wasn't coming and then I turned off my phone. My therapist left two messages, saying I sounded upset and that he was worried. The second message said, "I think this is a bad time for you to pull away from me." I didn't go. I did leave a message saying I wasn't going to hurt myself, not to worry.

I can't figure out why it hurts so much to think about talking to him. Usually this makes me feel better, even if I'm nervous about the session. I've never canceled without very good reason in 2 years. A part of me didn't even want to call, I just wanted to not show up. (Darn that responsible gene!)

Now, tonight, I feel really whammied by a sense of dread and loss. Part of me wants to go to see him tomorrow, part of me still wants to stay away. I don't know what to do. But what is really disturbing is that I don't understand these feelings at all, what is going on here?! When I ask myself if perhaps I'm "done" there is an ache that gets really big and the tears come.

Falls - I know we talked about the fact that it feels like a boulder is sitting on my chest and I'm pinned down, I can't move and I can't get away from the pain. You asked how you could help move the even offered to get help from other babblers to hoist it up. But it feels bigger and heavier now than it did 4 hours ago. There is a sense of giving up that has crept in...if I can't get out from under the boulder, maybe I should just surrender to the pain, give up and allow my spirit to be completely squashed. Eventually numbness will take over, right?

I have no idea what to do next. I just know that something has to give because this ledge is feeling smaller and smaller.




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poster:daisym thread:512955