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drinking again

Posted by cockeyed on June 14, 2005, at 23:14:43

I stopped because I was scared. now I'm not. But I'm lying. And I don't care. that's what bothers me. I like getting a buzz on. I like to go out and party. But I'm not 'sposed to and I find that sobriety is, for me, a neurotic dance thru a society I can't understand or deal with unless I get good and depressed. Then I'm acceptable. Bummed out and tame. And lame. That's the way it is with me. I'm starting to live a lie-I never before hid my drinking-now I feel I have to. And that makes me want to take another hit. But will I pay for it? Frankly, I've led my life doing the right thing. Now I'm slinking around ...and I like it. There is some thing in me that does not love the wall I was bricked up in since I was a kid. The old good boy wake up one day and say, hey, I'm miserable even when I do well.
Oh, heck, i can't stand this sniveling. I'm p*ssed off that the things that have meaning and power to me are alien to most of my family. Jeez, I can't wait for the next thrilling chapter when I get caught and have to hem and haw and do the old good boy dance again. Cockeyed




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