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Re: in love with therpist » isla

Posted by Tamar on June 13, 2005, at 17:19:08

In reply to in love with therpist, posted by isla on June 13, 2005, at 16:47:34

Hello isla, and welcome to Babble!

The answers to your questions probably depend on the circumstances. I’ll try to give some possible answers (and some questions)…

> Is it usual to have appts. that go between 1 1/2 to 2 hours?

That probably depends on what you’ve agreed with him, and individual circumstances. The usual length of an appointment is about 50 minutes, but if you’ve talked about longer appointments, or if you’re really going through the mill, sometimes you can agree to run over. Do you feel there’s something inappropriate in the length of your appointments?

> I have feelings for my psych. and have told him over the past 3 years. He refuses to refer me to someone else and tells me my feelings are not real. Sometimes when I want to leave the session he does not let me go.

Do you feel he’s being supportive, or do you feel intimidated?

> I feel that he wants me to keep needing him and to not move forward.

Have you discussed that with him?

> We discuss the same things over and over. He does not say anything about himself which I understand is the procedure so I have no problem with that. Sometimes, however, it just makes me more curious. He doesn't wear a wedding ring but will not tell me if he is attached. I suppose he has a right to his own privacy but I also feel it would be better for me to know.

It’s not unusual for therapists to be cagey about their personal lives. And yes, I can understand that it feels as if it would be better to know. My therapist told me that not knowing about his personal life is supposed to make things easier. I don’t always see how things could be harder though!

> I have taken time off from time to time but always go back to him. He talks for most of the session and interrupts me quite frequently. This gets me very frustrated and angry. He is always telling me how I feel and how I am. Shouldn't I know that? Is this normal?

You might not be sure of your feelings. Or you might be very sure and he’s just wrong. Again, it’s hard to know what he’s trying to do. Is he trying to validate your feelings? Or do you think he’s telling you how to feel?

I think if you are angry at him you should tell him. Especially if he’s talking when you want to be talking. And I tend to think interrupting is rude, but maybe it’s just me.

There are two things I would do if I were in your shoes. The first thing is to ask yourself: do you think his behaviour is inappropriate? Do you feel uneasy around him? Notwithstanding your feelings of love for him, do you worry he might do something unethical?

The second is to read "In Session" by Deborah Lott.

I think this whole area is a real minefield. I had very strong feelings for my ex-therapist (I’ve recently terminated) but it was always extremely clear to me that he would never break the boundaries. That made me feel safe. I might have wanted him desperately, but if he’d ever made a move it would have terrified me.

If you feel your therapist’s boundaries are not secure then you need to address the issue as a matter of urgency. Your personal safety is at stake. It may be that he’s made a couple of mistakes, and he needs to be told to sort it out. Perhaps he has blurred the boundaries for reasons he considers therapeutic, but if you’re feeling uncomfortable he needs to tighten things up.

I get the impression from your post that you’re somewhat unsure what the boundaries should be, and that you feel he’s keeping some better than others. Again, reading "In Session" should help you get a grasp on the therapeutic relationship. It sounds to me as if you’re really struggling with boundaries.

I hope this is of some help and that you keep posting to let us know how it’s going.

Best wishes,




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