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Re: How did it Go? Daisym

Posted by antigua on June 13, 2005, at 9:49:57

In reply to How did it Go? antigua, posted by Daisym on June 8, 2005, at 20:53:47

I'm just now resurfacing. I loved the slip, thanks for pointing it out. Sometimes I do think it is easier for me because my father is dead. I would have a hard time reconciling the father I had when I was younger with the man he was before he died. There was just one simple glance between us that told me he knew that I knew (even though I never faced this until after he died). He had to die before I could even begin to explore it--or at least that's what I've rationalized. My fantasy is that my older father would have apologized if we had discussed it, but I can't ever imagine discussing it with him.

My trip with my mother went very well. While I kept everything inside, I did have moments when I thought I would totally lose it, overcome with emotions and the wish to harm myself, but I "sat" (hate that analogy)with my feelings and let myself feel them without hurting myself.My mother and I never fight, but you know what? Something was different--I felt like she knew and I've never felt that way before. MAybe it was just me being more accepting of her. The only argument we had was over Michael Jackson's guilt but she backed down once she saw I felt strongly about it.

I don't know. Maybe I was different, but something has changed--for the better. She would never take responsibility for allowing the abuse to happen because she always viewed herself as a a victim of his too.

In the old days, I would come home from visiting her and I would self-destruct after having to hold it all together around her. I didn't this time and I'm very proud of myself. I haven't given in to the urge to call my T, but that would be real progress. I do feel very vulnerable now so I'm just trying to take it easy and watch out that I don't slip into the black hole.
best,
antigua


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