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emerging from the shadows

Posted by mair on June 12, 2005, at 22:06:03

I think I might finally be coming out of a severe depressive episode that seemed like it was going to be permanent. There have been so many extra therapy sessions and much more contact with my pdoc than usual. I've been through alot of largely unsuccessful drug combos, until I finally capitulated and went back on a drug I took myself off last fall, because I hated it so much. After what seems like days of waking up at around 3:30 and never getting back to sleep, I've come to a deeper appreciation of the restorative powers of sleep and of the danger to me of a lack of sleep. Last week I had the first session in a long time where my T and I discussed matters other than how I was coping or not coping on a daily basis and how much I thought or avoided thinking about killing myself. So non-substantive.

In the meantime it's been torture to try to get any work done - everything seemed to take much longer - longer before I could even decide what task I should tackle next - having made that decision, longer to begin - and definitely longer to finish it. Now that I'm a little more "with it" I'm pretty horrified to see how far behind I am.

It's been comforting to check in here occasionally although I couldn't bring myself to post. I know others have experienced the guilt of feeling like you only take from here and don't give. It's really like that for me when I'm depressed. I also feel so disconnected. I decided somewhere along the way that the extra sessions with my T were important just so I didn't totally lose my connection to her.

I'm sorry I missed out on Chicago - maybe next year.


ps: Supply here the sound of "knocking on wood" when I say I'm coming out of this episode. It's hard to feel confident about anything.




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