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Re: Scared, ready to expose my skeltons to T

Posted by happyflower on June 10, 2005, at 12:33:28

In reply to Re: Scared, ready to expose my skeltons to T happyflower, posted by daisym on June 10, 2005, at 12:09:53

> I find myself wanting to ask how old you are...you don't have to tell me but you sound like me in a lot of ways. (I'm in my early 40s) I've been married 22 years and I struggle with my marriage not being what I long for but feeling obligated to stay in it for a number of reasons.

I am 36 and married for 12 years this Sept. I also feel obligated in many ways. He is an awesome guy in a lot of ways, he wouldn't have trouble finding another women if we were no longer together. He cares and is sensitive and a wonderful father and a good husband.
>
> My therapist and several close friends have tried to help me see that I can change within the marriage, find more fulfillment without having to make a drastic change. I think my husband won't stand for that, they tell me he will fight against change but gradually he will come around to this new way of relating and thinking. Or, he won't but I will be able to do what is best for me, not him and we will all survive it.
>
I wonder about this, will the marraige really survive change? But I feel I need to change for myself and make my life more enjoyable. I guess if my marriage can't allow for that, then what kind of marraige do I have anyways?

> I felt horrible talking about such private things and for complaining to my therapist about my husband. He tells me two things: 1) this is MY therapy and completely private so if not here, then where? and 2) He can't help me if I don't tell him how I'm feeling. He doesn't judge, he offers different perspectives. I think your therapist is saying the same thing. You aren't asking permission to get a divorce, nor are you wanting to do marriage counseling without your husband being present. But you are trying to find out who you really are, in all the roles you are being asked to play and what really makes you happy.
>
> .
>
> You asked if anyone gets what you are saying. I think I do. I hope I've helped you not feel so alone. Try not to make yourself crazy before next Wed. I think this is one of the things that compells people to seek out therapy. We all need to know who we "really" are and what we really want. It is OK to want to figure this out. It is probably essential.

I guess one of my fears is what if there isn't anyone better for me? Wouldn't I be ruining me and my childrens lives for a hope for someone better? I guess it would be better to try to change within the marriage and hope I am still accepted and he still wants the new me.
I tried to talk about this before, and I am sure what happened, but my T was really stuggling with this isssue. I could see physically he was really stuggling with what to say to me about it. I do challange him, but he was trying so hard to come up with something to say to my comments. I guess I should ask him about it. It just feels like there are not enough minutes in a therapy hours to get everything out. lol
Thank you so much, Daisy, I am glad I am not alone in feeling what I do. :)


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