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Re: Trying to make peace (***possible trigger***) » Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 20:11:37

In reply to Re: Trying to make peace (***possible trigger***) » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 19:45:14

> It’s true that nice music can help. I’ll try to track down some movies with nice sex scenes (thanks for the good advice!). The biggest problem, I find, is that my body doesn’t seem to be able to distinguish between good and evil when someone touches me. So when my husband touches me, it often feels bad and wrong. It just feels horrible. It’s a constant effort to remind myself that it’s my husband and not bad men. My current method of overcoming it is to get him to chat to me about anything: sport, politics, organic chemistry, statistics… anything, as long as I can hear his voice!

Would it help if you ask him to touch you frequently during the day time in non sexual way a lot ?? Like hug, kiss and generally hold your body or put his arms around your shoulder ?? That might help also instaed of reserving all the touching for sex and trying to figure out what touching means at that time. Also even if you hug your kids and hold your kids even that might heal. Or even getting a teddy bear and hugging it a lot would actually be healing to your body.

I can related to how bodies get programmed - I used to sleep in my father's arms for a long long time even after I was 17 - 18 ( I used to pretty much sleep int he same bed with my dad all throughout my childhood). And I used to hug him and sleep and put my legs on him etc. And part of me still treats any hugging and sleeping like I sleep with my dad. Many days when I hug my husband I immeidately want to go to sleep because that feels so father like for my body I guess. I had to work out that difference consciously between my father and my husband. What my father did was horribly wrong and I realize it constituted to being like csa for me even though it was not intended that way. But he used to force me to sleep with him like that, and it looked naive, so I didn't think too much about it either at that time.
> > Also fantasizing more might help you prepare mentally for orgasm. You can even try to fantasize explicit sexual scenes from beginning to end (with the ending you want :-)).
> Tee hee! I like fantasizing, but I’ll have to try it when my husband isn’t talking about statistics…

IT doesn't have to be your husband :-)

> I have friends from India, and it’s true that most of them don’t talk about sex very openly, and certainly not in front of men. I think it’s true that cultural concerns are important in determining appropriate ways for men and women to behave. But when I said you don’t goof around much, I didn’t mean that you should flirt more or something like that. I suppose it was just like you said: you don’t seem to be in the mood for much fun. However, I can see that your capacity for fun is still there, under the surface!

True, somehow I think I still have managed to maintain the capacity atleast. I enjoy movies, music, chatting, talking, even cooking and singing. But I don't have very casual fun and I don't talk casually many times (that is plain fun talk - I always have to talk about something - mabye because of how I was brought up). But I love people who are like that. My husband is like that - he can talk very casually about nothing at all and I love that. I am trying to learn from him. Plus I have been having a hard time with all these stuff as well. So it is kind of difficult to maintain yourself cheerfully.




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