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Re: Good. It Isn't Your Fault. Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 18:32:11

In reply to Good. It Isn't Your Fault. pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on June 6, 2005, at 15:01:43

This is so true.

I think I was ruminating so much for all these years, because underneath all that calm front that I had, there was intense agitation, and anxiety and tension, and not being able to live well. I think that intense burning problems deep in me wouldn't keep me from not ruminating.

I had suppressed the problems I had with my dad. I didn't acknowledge that his actions constituted in the end being moderate sexual abuse. And that I couldn't really think of anyone else as my husband and have a sexual relationship and that I felt like I was betraying my father deep down. And I never really grew up to be a woman and I was a child and expecting others to take care of me like a child. And life seemed empty and meaningless without a father figure and I kept looking for people who were not available to me really to fulfill that role. And all those intense fears, and anxiety and separation and hurt and shame were all burried deep inside.

Those were the reasons why I was boiling like a furnace with fire deep inside. But now I uncovered it (thanks to my T), I think I might be able to focus on outer world now. So far I almost felt like I had to find out why I am feeling so bad all the time. Really getting through each day was a struggle. And I didn't understand why. Why I seemed to understand everything yet suffered so much.

Maybe this time, I am ready to make peace. For real.

I think it is the same issue for you as well.


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