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Re: Daisy - Question for you pinkeye

Posted by Daisym on June 5, 2005, at 18:35:32

In reply to Daisy - Question for you, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 17:01:01

He never lies to me...when I say things about how silly it is to be so attached to someone I will eventually not have a relationship with, he acknowledges the truth in the statement. He also adds that I can work with him as long as I need and want to. He thinks separation happens organically, over time-- he says I will find that I don't need to touch base as often, and that I'll probably be making noises about stopping therapy before he would.

We've moved into a space where we actually "plan" for long weekends and such...we talk about what will help me not feel so alone. It is so true that distraction works, as well as truely having something else taking up brain space, like work or family commitments or babble. He used to say, "call me" and he really meant it. I know I can still do that, but he knows I don't want to all the time, so he reminds me to do these other things.

The truth is that stopping is not nearly as terrifying as it was 6 months ago. I've learned a lot about my personal coping style and maybe this is where the medications really help. I don't feel like I'll fragment completely without him. Not that I wouldn't miss him, but it isn't as life and death as it was. (I can say that right here, right now, in this moment. Tomorrow? Who knows...)

It seems to me that you've identified your primary issue which is that you ruminate about things. Breaking those thinking patterns is very hard and takes practice and work. I think something that might help is to really think about what you miss about your x-therapist, or what you think you still need that he would provide. Once you get this down on paper, the answers might present themselves. I would write, "I want someone to listen to the stories of abuse that I've never told and believe me." Then I could say, "OK, if not my therapist, who do I trust could handle this information?"

Mostly Pinkeye, I think it is about getting your needs met. There is some big, burning need that was opened and now isn't being met for you. Maybe it was that you fell in love with this man, fell in love with the possibilities he represented and you feel like letting him go might kill those dreams. Or you attached to him parentally and letting him go is like leaving your mother all over again. Most of us don't remember how painful that separation was but when we revisit those feelings as adults, wow -- it is so hard.

I think termination with my therapist will be like everything else we've done together. It will be my choice, at my pace and it will be done very, very gently. I think back to when he went on vacation last summer and he gave me his talisman with his picture inside to hold until he returned. I didn't ask for it -- he just knew how to meet this really primal need for security. I don't think I'd ever felt so understood and so taken care of.

I hope you can find someone who will do this for you and that you will let them. I think you need help getting past this. Be patient and kind to yourself. Some hurts take a long time to heal.

Hugs to you.

 

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poster:Daisym thread:508061
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