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Re: Trying to make peace and let go » pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on June 4, 2005, at 8:18:03

In reply to Trying to make peace and let go, posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 15:36:56

Hi Pinkeye,

I know how that feels. Sometimes I would really like to let go of my former therapist. I can’t seem to do it by force of will, however. I don’t think it’s really possible for me yet.

I think the problem with transference is that (for me at least) I can’t seem to dismiss it. Yes, my feelings for my T were transference, but that transference had a purpose. It was partly to help me work through my feelings about particular people in my past, but also partly to help me address my sexuality in a safe space. So to try to get rid of the feelings about my former T and to dismiss those feelings as ‘just transference’ didn’t work for me. I just ended up feeling worse about my problems.

I pretty much decided that if I couldn’t stop thinking about him I would try to allow myself to enjoy it a little and analyze it a lot. I don’t know if that would work for you, but it’s working for me. I do find that fantasies just pop into my mind, and I try to use them to figure out how they relate to my relationships with men in real life. And I try not to feel too guilty about it! I guess it’s also necessary to accept that they are just fantasies and will never happen in real life.

I can identify with what you said about focusing on your relationship with your husband. I’m trying to do that too. So I suppose I’m trying to use my feelings for my ex-T to learn how to have a better relationship with my husband. I know that sounds a bit counter-intuitive, but feelings for therapists aren’t like real infidelity. They just help us make sense of our ways of being in relationships.

What do you think – can you find a place to feel the feelings for your ex-T with a little pleasure and not too much pain?





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