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Re: Today -- not too long at all :) Daisym

Posted by littleone on June 1, 2005, at 21:47:09

In reply to Today -- sorry, long, posted by Daisym on June 1, 2005, at 19:38:23

> Wow. Hard question. I was honest and told him that actually it was partly true. And I tried to explain how these different feelings of wanting to be special were getting in the way...how could I be special if I reveal all my mistakes, insecurities and flaws? I don't want to be special by being the worst patient!

You could be special by being his most honest and open patient :) And you're already such a sweet and special person, you don't have to be perfect too.

My T has said before that he thinks I'm smart. That I have really good insight. I kind of brushed that away a bit and he said "Do you know how many less-smart people I see every day? Lots!" It kind of made me believe just a little that maybe he does enjoy seeing me sometimes. Maybe. Kind of.

It sounds like you are too. Both smart and good at insights. You have remarkable insight from what I see here. I bet your T thinks that's pretty special.

> He looked at me and asked, "Are you mad at me?" And I teared up and said, "no, I'm afraid you're going to get mad at me." He said it was interesting that we both had the same thought about what feeling was in the room,

That is interesting. Did he say any more about it? I don't really understand if it's part of your defense to send off mad-vibes when you feel threatened a certain way.

> His best question was: "What do you wish you could just dump out into the middle of the room?"
I said I wished I could dump out all the dark thoughts and feelings that are trapped inside. But that it was a tiny wish, so it wasn't going to happen. He told me tiny wishes should be granted too...and didn't it make sense that therapy was where you should dump out the dark stuff? I told him this was no place for logic! :)

I liked that. Although I must admit my first thought to his question was "last night's dishes, my dirty clothes, the dog's a bit smelly can you take her too?" :)

> He didn't laugh, he just softly said, "I think we need to talk about your dad coming to visit this weekend. I think you are scared and I think it would be OK for you to tell me about the fear." I ended up in tears and told him that I didn't want to face this, I didn't want my dad to see what a wreck I am right now and I certainly didn't want to have to deal with my mom, my sister AND my dad all at the same party.

Oh, bad bad bad. Tears are very understandable. I know that part of you will be shocked to even consider this, but could you possibily skip the party? You have so many stressful things on right now, it may be a good place to let up a little.

They may be disappointed if you don't show up, but they'll get over it. The world will keep turning. There will be other parties.

I've had huge guilt and shame and anxiety and bad stuff over not seeing my dad. But seeing him is a lot worse. The threat of seeing him - of knowing he could call to arrange a meeting any time - was a lot worse. I struggle with this a lot. Over what is best for me, over what a good daughter would be doing, over what is expected of me, over a lot of stuff.

> I said it just made it crystal clear that I am truly now a pain-in-the-a** client.

No, just a distressed one. He is there to help you daisy. That is what he does best. It's probably part of his reason for living.

 

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