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Today -- sorry, long

Posted by Daisym on June 1, 2005, at 19:38:23

In reply to Re: Me, pushy? Daisym, posted by littleone on June 1, 2005, at 15:59:35

I think I like being called "mum" :)

LittleOne you can swing on my swing anytime. We'll have to ask Antigua if you can play too, I'm sure she'll say yes. I'll bring the picnic, you bring the jacks.

I guess it is good that a lot of what I've written here came out today. I think my therapist would be a good dentist -- he seems good at pulling things out. He jumped right in to ask me if I had been thinking about what I said when I left yesterday and I said yes, but I didn't know how to talk about it anymore. So he pushed and I tried and he asked questions and I tried some more and finally he said, "Do you feel like you can't talk to me anymore?"

Wow. Hard question. I was honest and told him that actually it was partly true. And I tried to explain how these different feelings of wanting to be special were getting in the way...how could I be special if I reveal all my mistakes, insecurities and flaws? I don't want to be special by being the worst patient! And I said I felt kind of ungrateful to be upset by a bad phone call, even if we both know that it is more than that.

He looked at me and asked, "Are you mad at me?" And I teared up and said, "no, I'm afraid you're going to get mad at me." He said it was interesting that we both had the same thought about what feeling was in the room, but he assured me that he wouldn't get mad, he hasn't before, so why would i think that? So I told him about being worried about appearing manipulative, etc.

His best question was: "What do you wish you could just dump out into the middle of the room?" I said I wished I could dump out all the dark thoughts and feelings that are trapped inside. But that it was a tiny wish, so it wasn't going to happen. He told me tiny wishes should be granted too...and didn't it make sense that therapy was where you should dump out the dark stuff? I told him this was no place for logic! :)

He didn't laugh, he just softly said, "I think we need to talk about your dad coming to visit this weekend. I think you are scared and I think it would be OK for you to tell me about the fear." I ended up in tears and told him that I didn't want to face this, I didn't want my dad to see what a wreck I am right now and I certainly didn't want to have to deal with my mom, my sister AND my dad all at the same party. And I told him that what was most scary was that the week after next I have to face another huge work thing and I didn't think I could. I didn't think I was up to it. So, I was feeling trapped, cornered again, and I keep landing on only one way out. But I didn't want to tell him this because it seemed premature and maybe I'll do better than I think I will.

He said I need to tell him now so we can plan. That it was OK to really use him for support right now and he said he would feel better if he was talking to me every day for the next week, just so he could keep tabs on what was coming up. I think he was just trying to make it OK for me to call him. I told him that some times calls made it better but sometimes they made things worse.

He said he understood that, and he went back to trying to explain what happened on Friday. I ended up in tears all over again because this is exactly what I don't want him to have to do. I don't want to be handled and I don't want to need explanations for little things out of both our control. I said it just made it crystal clear that I am truly now a pain-in-the-a** client. I left feeling upset, even though he tried to be reassuring that I wasn't, that this was a tough time and that he was worried about me.

I'm sorry this was so long, I didn't start out intending it to get long. I think I journaled, instead of babbled. But I don't want to rewrite it so here it is.

Mostly I just wanted to say thanks for the support and the nudges to talk about this. Keep nudging, OK?

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Daisym thread:504637
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050528/msgs/506516.html