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Re: How? Trigger*** antigua

Posted by daisym on May 31, 2005, at 23:34:16

In reply to Re: How? Trigger*** Daisym, posted by antigua on May 31, 2005, at 15:50:08

You aren't harsh (just pushy :)!

No, I appreciate what you said. I told him a little today...at the end of course. I must have said something that triggered him to ask about Friday -- we had a bad connection so I cut our check in call very short. He asked me if it was disruptive in some way. I said I didn't want it to be...the logical part of me is trying to be very grounded. He said, "don't be logical, or fair or kind. Just tell me what you were feeling." So I said, "I felt like you weren't really there, you were moving away from me and not taking me with you. I felt alone and abandoned." I rushed on to say that I *knew* he had a life, that I *knew* this was just his job and I *knew* I was just a client and not special. And most of all I know that cell service is cruddy sometimes and this is all ridiculous! I told him that he had moved to the list of people I don't want to disappoint or let down and my feelings were confused and RIDICULOUS! And I said I have no pride left at all now...

He said it wasn't ridiculous at all and that he felt bad too about the call on Friday -- and he knew that sometimes our bond is really fragile and stuff like that disrupts it. But it will happen and we will get through it. He said these feelings felt overwhelming and painful because I've kept myself numb for so long. He said pride has no place in therapy, honesty does.

I told him it WAS ridiculous and juvenile. And very, very painful. And that I didn't need anymore painful things in my life. And that frankly, I was sick of being asked to "get through" all these painful things. And then time was up, I looked at the clock and said, "I have to go."

He asked me to come back tomorrow and keep talking about this. I don't know if I can. I spouted off and now I feel bad. It isn't his fault that I want something from him I can't have. And I refuse to manipulate the situation at all by bringing suicidal feelings into the discussion.

 

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