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Re: Chapter 2. Wanting to be special. Daisym

Posted by fallsfall on May 27, 2005, at 13:56:45

In reply to Re: Chapter 2. Wanting to be special. alexandra_k, posted by Daisym on May 27, 2005, at 10:57:17

I think there is "wanting to be special", "needing to be special", and "dying if I'm not special".

I tend to be in the "dying if I'm not special" range most of the time. And I must be special to everyone I know. It defines whether I am "good", "worthwhile". Reminds me of the phrase in the BPD definition: Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment. Frantic efforts - that's what I do to be special.

I am at a point now with my therapist where I feel like I am special to him. I don't know if I'm *more* special than his other patients, but I feel like I am special *enough*. Like it matters to him how I'm doing, whether I come (and some of that is financial, but some of it isn't), he's interested in me. I guess that helps me to feel like something drastic would have to happen to disrupt our therapy - that the normal ups and downs can be handled. So I guess I want to be special because that will ensure the relationship - if I'm not special then he might capriciously leave me.

I told him today that I had a dream that my old therapist was fired from her group. He asked if that resonnated at all with what we were talking about. I said very forcefully "No, not at all.", then more quietly "You aren't getting rid of me that easily". He got a smile on his face and said that wasn't what he was thinking - he was wondering if I was finally letting go of my old therapist - feeling like I wouldn't ever go back to her. There could be some of that going on. Moving forward instead of backwards.

Not exactly on topic with the book... I'm reading along, but having trouble thinking of things to say...

 

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