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Re: For all of you Ľ Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on May 26, 2005, at 13:43:12

In reply to Re: For all of you Ľ pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 26, 2005, at 5:35:26

----Thank you. I also realized that a little later. This stuff is very important to me.. otherwise, I am never able to bond in a right way with men and myself. And that is so crucial.

> Gosh, I think youíre actually being very successful. Youíre really working hard at addressing some things that have made you suffer for years.

----Thanks Tamar. I really think you ought to be a therapist. You are so good at this.. You don't talk just intellectually, and not just emotionally. You seem to be able to form the right balance.
> NahÖ youíre not a complete idiot. Sometimes itís difficult to get emotions and thoughts into the same plane of existence. Working emotionally is a whole different kettle of fish from working intellectually. But youíre clearly demonstrating that you have the capacity to do it well.

---Yeah, I have a very highly challenging job in a pretty good company. I can find as much as I want to do here. There is no question of it being not challenging enough. Only I have to put in lot more efforts. In fact almost all the people that I work with are all extremely qualified - lot more than me. I am the only one with bachelors degree from india here. Everyone around me is masters from the best universities like stanford etc. So it is extremely difficult to compete. So far I have managed to be able to do that and managed to come out with pretty good reviews - in fact above average reviews. But I need to do more reading to keep up the pace. And I haven't been doing it for a long time. But I have also been realizing what you have said - that success in life is much more than success at work.

> I realise that what I said earlier about finding new challenges at work was probably not the right thing. If you feel youíre seriously underperforming at work, because you canít concentrate and because your emotions are breaking into your ability to get your job done, then new challenges would just put too much pressure on you.
> If (like me) you define your success by your performance at work, then itís hard to feel youíre not successful. Iím still trying to get used to the idea that other successes in my life (like being happy, enjoying my family, finding pleasure in hobbies etc) might actually be more important than success at work. At the moment Iím trying to accept myself as only-just-good-enough at work, so that I can concentrate my emotional resources on the things Iíve decided matter more to me.
---- you are right. I will think about it this way.
> At the risk of sounding a bit Freudian, maybe breaking away from your dad is just the thing you missed out on in childhood. Most girls try to break away from their dad a bit during childhood, but your dad never allowed it. He kept you emotionally and physically close to him and didnít let you develop in a healthy way. But maybe breaking away is exactly what you need in order to love him as an adult woman loves her father. Maybe heís afraid that if you break away you wonít love him any more, and thatís why he wants to keep you close. He needs to discover that your love for him should be an adult love and not the starry-eyed hero-worship that little girls feel for their fathers. Perhaps rather than betrayal, breaking away from him could allow your relationship to develop into something happier and healthier?

---- yeah, for me psychological stress almost always corresponds to physical manifestations.

> Itís awful to experience such serious physical manifestations of your psychological suffering. I hope it eases soon.
--- Yeah, I think I have been doing that all my life. And it is about time I stopped doing that and learn a different technique.

I can relate to this part so much. But perhaps your desire is also some sort of transference? That is what I am getting confused nowadays. Is all my feelings towards my ex T complete transference or not?

> I found that trying to stamp on my emotions with my logical mind just made things worse. It affected all sorts of things that werenít supposed to be affected. For example, I felt very ashamed of my desire for my ex-T. Stamping on it made it seem to go away, but at the same time I lost my desire for my husband and I began to feel even more ugly than usual. In the end I had to let it back in, and tried to feel it was a good and healthy thing to feel desire for an attractive man. And then things were better with my husband and I felt a little more confident. Of course, allowing the desire back also meant feeling the full force of the pain of never being able to touch my ex-T, but at the same time I was able to feel more love for my husband. Emotions are complicated things!
> (((((pinkeye)))))

---- thanks Tamar. Your posts are very very good, and it is such a beautiful combination you have. I think you really need to become a T.

> Youíre really going through a hard time right now, but youíre so brave and youíre working so hard on it. I really admire you.
> Tamar




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