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Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( (trigger) happyflower

Posted by Daisym on May 26, 2005, at 12:37:27

In reply to criticalness= emotional abuse? :(, posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 8:13:05

Be really careful with this line of thinking, it can drive you to the edge.

I discovered anger in myself and I was devastated that it was there. I identified it as being "just like" the abuser too -- and it made me seriously suicidal. I mean that, seriously. I was so upset about who I thought I was that the idea that my kids would miss me was completely off-set with the idea that they shouldn't be near me. I spent some really tough nights in the black hole of depression. I was truly a mess and saw no way out. I worried my poor friends, especially here, half to death and my therapist insisted on daily check-ins, even over the weekends.

I'm not all the way back, there are still dark days and the anger scares me senseless. But I tell myself that my parents never entered therapy. I tell myself that I don't drink (OK, occasionally...) or do drugs so I don't have those influences. I tell myself that I've never, ever touched my kids in an abusive way and they are sweet, nice young men who love life and have amazing talents. So I must have the ability to do some things right.

Don't wear this mantel. You will learn lots of things about yourself that you don't like. But these are the influences of the past, not the past itself. You can change this. You can limit the effects of this because you are now aware of this. But don't hate yourself. You didn't invite the abuse and you are bravely taking steps to not go there.

(((HappyFlower)))

I hope today is better.

 

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poster:Daisym thread:502726
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