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Re: For all of you Ľ pinkeye

Posted by Tamar on May 26, 2005, at 5:35:26

In reply to For all of you, posted by pinkeye on May 25, 2005, at 20:19:17

> But it is so incredibly hard for me to fail so badly in something.

Gosh, I think youíre actually being very successful. Youíre really working hard at addressing some things that have made you suffer for years.

> To suffer so much, to not be able to be happy, to hurt so much. It feels like I am just discovering that I am a complete idiot when I had thought I was very intelligent. To feel you don't control your own emotions and it has its own life and won't listen to your logic. And that it has the capacity to affect even your logical thinking and working in job. I feel like I have failed so badly in life.

NahÖ youíre not a complete idiot. Sometimes itís difficult to get emotions and thoughts into the same plane of existence. Working emotionally is a whole different kettle of fish from working intellectually. But youíre clearly demonstrating that you have the capacity to do it well.

I realise that what I said earlier about finding new challenges at work was probably not the right thing. If you feel youíre seriously underperforming at work, because you canít concentrate and because your emotions are breaking into your ability to get your job done, then new challenges would just put too much pressure on you.

If (like me) you define your success by your performance at work, then itís hard to feel youíre not successful. Iím still trying to get used to the idea that other successes in my life (like being happy, enjoying my family, finding pleasure in hobbies etc) might actually be more important than success at work. At the moment Iím trying to accept myself as only-just-good-enough at work, so that I can concentrate my emotional resources on the things Iíve decided matter more to me.

> And I don't know what to feel towards my dad. I know he has made me what I am today, yet he has made me suffer so much - and I didn't do anyting to deserve so much of suffering and hurting and guilty feelings and scared feelings. I don't take responsibility for my happiness, and I let him dictate my actions even now, and I feel so miserable for giving him so much power. And to add to it, I am right in more things than he has ever been in his life. He is very fanatical, and takes extreme stance in everything and really has no clue how life works for anyone. And I really know better, but find it impossible to break away from him and his views. And I know in my heart, that he treated me as his wife.. he used me to fulfill his desires for companionship, and he made me his mirror. And I know it is a horrible thing to do to a child. I would never do it to my child. But I still love him a lot. And always will. I have to figure out what place to give him in my life and it is so extremely frightening to become like an adult instead of a dependant child. I did very well being a dependant child - and did whatever I was supposed to do really well - studied, behaved well, came to US because my father asked me to, got a great job, managed to get a Green Card, etc. But I compromised myself as a woman in that process - and didn't allow myself to bond in a healthy way to men and confused my own sexuality and femininity etc. Now I have to define what I want as a woman, and break away from my dad. And it is horribly difficult. I feel like I am doing the ultimate betrayal to my father.

At the risk of sounding a bit Freudian, maybe breaking away from your dad is just the thing you missed out on in childhood. Most girls try to break away from their dad a bit during childhood, but your dad never allowed it. He kept you emotionally and physically close to him and didnít let you develop in a healthy way. But maybe breaking away is exactly what you need in order to love him as an adult woman loves her father. Maybe heís afraid that if you break away you wonít love him any more, and thatís why he wants to keep you close. He needs to discover that your love for him should be an adult love and not the starry-eyed hero-worship that little girls feel for their fathers. Perhaps rather than betrayal, breaking away from him could allow your relationship to develop into something happier and healthier?

> And combined with work pressure, India/US issue, and my arhtritis pain has shot up and it hurts to even walk.

Itís awful to experience such serious physical manifestations of your psychological suffering. I hope it eases soon.

> And I try to beat my emotions up to perform, almost like beating up a failing donkey to run and carry more on its back, and it is fumbling down and falling over, and usually I take control of things from my logical mind when it gets too messy, but this time, even I am not able to do that. And it feels really scary to know that the one thing that you have always counted upon - is failing you as well. I am not able to keep up in work or concentrate as I should be able to. And it is extremely difficult to me to fail so badly. But I am not able to do it. Thankfully I am planning to resign from this job anyway in couple of months, so it is allright even if I fail now. But I really don't like the feeling of underperforming. And I just don't have the energy to read and learn new things. I feel my emotions have overtaken and spoilt my logical mind also.

I found that trying to stamp on my emotions with my logical mind just made things worse. It affected all sorts of things that werenít supposed to be affected. For example, I felt very ashamed of my desire for my ex-T. Stamping on it made it seem to go away, but at the same time I lost my desire for my husband and I began to feel even more ugly than usual. In the end I had to let it back in, and tried to feel it was a good and healthy thing to feel desire for an attractive man. And then things were better with my husband and I felt a little more confident. Of course, allowing the desire back also meant feeling the full force of the pain of never being able to touch my ex-T, but at the same time I was able to feel more love for my husband. Emotions are complicated things!

(((((pinkeye)))))

Youíre really going through a hard time right now, but youíre so brave and youíre working so hard on it. I really admire you.

Tamar


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