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For all of you

Posted by pinkeye on May 25, 2005, at 20:19:17

In reply to ((((pinkeye)))) gonna reply as soon as i can pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 25, 2005, at 19:25:07

Thanks a lot everyone. You guys are all right. I need to work out this emotional problems instead of just shutting it off. OTherwise, it will end up eating me alive.

But it is so incredibly hard for me to fail so badly in something.

To suffer so much, to not be able to be happy, to hurt so much. It feels like I am just discovering that I am a complete idiot when I had thought I was very intelligent. To feel you don't control your own emotions and it has its own life and won't listen to your logic. And that it has the capacity to affect even your logical thinking and working in job. I feel like I have failed so badly in life.

And I don't know what to feel towards my dad. I know he has made me what I am today, yet he has made me suffer so much - and I didn't do anyting to deserve so much of suffering and hurting and guilty feelings and scared feelings. I don't take responsibility for my happiness, and I let him dictate my actions even now, and I feel so miserable for giving him so much power. And to add to it, I am right in more things than he has ever been in his life. He is very fanatical, and takes extreme stance in everything and really has no clue how life works for anyone. And I really know better, but find it impossible to break away from him and his views. And I know in my heart, that he treated me as his wife.. he used me to fulfill his desires for companionship, and he made me his mirror. And I know it is a horrible thing to do to a child. I would never do it to my child. But I still love him a lot. And always will. I have to figure out what place to give him in my life and it is so extremely frightening to become like an adult instead of a dependant child. I did very well being a dependant child - and did whatever I was supposed to do really well - studied, behaved well, came to US because my father asked me to, got a great job, managed to get a Green Card, etc. But I compromised myself as a woman in that process - and didn't allow myself to bond in a healthy way to men and confused my own sexuality and femininity etc. Now I have to define what I want as a woman, and break away from my dad. And it is horribly difficult. I feel like I am doing the ultimate betrayal to my father.

And it is very emotionally hurting to not hear from my ex T as well. Maybe it is all a projection, but this kind of sudden withdrawal of all contact is very hard to take. I feel thrown out like an object, and right or wrong, that is the way I feel. And it feels really very bad.

And combined with work pressure, India/US issue, and my arhtritis pain has shot up and it hurts to even walk.

And I try to beat my emotions up to perform, almost like beating up a failing donkey to run and carry more on its back, and it is fumbling down and falling over, and usually I take control of things from my logical mind when it gets too messy, but this time, even I am not able to do that. And it feels really scary to know that the one thing that you have always counted upon - is failing you as well. I am not able to keep up in work or concentrate as I should be able to. And it is extremely difficult to me to fail so badly. But I am not able to do it. Thankfully I am planning to resign from this job anyway in couple of months, so it is allright even if I fail now. But I really don't like the feeling of underperforming. And I just don't have the energy to read and learn new things. I feel my emotions have overtaken and spoilt my logical mind also.

Thanks for listening and for the support. I don't have energy to write back to each of you individually.




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