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night: the new day

Posted by shrinking violet on May 24, 2005, at 22:53:14

I apologize in advance if this is the wrong forum for this's the only one I really "know."

I also apologize if this is boring, triggering, confusing, etc.

(Does anyone else struggle internally when posting? Part A wants to, maybe needs to -- and always for some reason that I can't quite articulate -- but Part B wants to bind and gag Part A and shove her in a dark hole.)


I don't know if it's the depression, or the stress, or lack of food, or the confusion/sadness/worry/disappointment/etc over losing my T when I really need her, not to mention my every aspect of my whole existence being one large question mark right now....

But I like the night. I love it.

I hate hate hate the daytime. I dread it.

The day is too bright (although it's been rainy this week...I can handle rain better. It's comforting, and it matches my mood). The day is too filled with people and bustling and sound and...*life*, I guess.

Night is better.
It's quiet.
Maybe it's easier to hide, even when I'm there.
There's no hope at night. No stupid hope that someone will suddenly sense or see that you need help, that you need a hug, that they can see and understand and know everything you are feeling right now without you having to expend energy you don't have to try to articulate it, so you don't, because you wouldn't known how anyway, But they never do, and so the pain deepends; Or when the phone rings, or the email sounds, you hope it'll be someone you need it to be so badly but you know it won't be. And it never is. So you face disappointment all day. The ice under your feet cracks a bit more. You're crushed over and over.
And maybe I can feel like, for a little while at night, that I'm not taking up too much space.

I dread tomorrow...and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

How can life hurt so much?

Why is it always the ones who say they care and who say they'll stay, why is it always those who are the easiest to drive away?

Why do I always do things the wrong way?

Why is this happening? :-(

Why does the daytime have to come again?





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