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Re: Update from me

Posted by littleone on May 24, 2005, at 22:03:11

In reply to Re: Update from me littleone, posted by daisym on May 17, 2005, at 23:45:28

I find it scary to reveal the childlike feelings. Especially through drawing. Drawing is like giving him a picture of the inside of my head. Don't want him there. No one sees there. Waayyyy too revealing.

And drawing is hard. If I do too many drawings in a short period of time, those childlike feelings really come to the forefront. I don't like it.

My session yesterday was nightmare material. We'd previously discussed my first sexual experience (ick blah) or rather he was trying to discuss and I was trying to crawl into a hole. So I was supposed to write about it. Which I did, but then there was no way I could give it to him. And I flat out refused to talk about it.

So after an impass, he tried to just chat with me. About easier stuff. Except I don't talk. So we kind of tortured each other for 30 minutes.

I ended up looking at my watch and saying I may as well go now. He said he didn't want me to go. I said that this was just hopeless. It must be so painful trying to talk to me. Getting anything out of me is like pulling teeth. He said that pulling teeth is easier - at least you have pliers for that.

And so after that horror session, I decided to just give him the stuff about my first sexual experience. And all my horridly revealing kiddy drawings. And a discussion about that arousal in therapy thread. And something else that is really yucky.

And it's like I'm trying to bury/hide/disguise all the yucky things amongst other yucky things. So nothing stands out as yucky. It's all just one big yuckfest.

And because it is all so explosively horrible, I can't stand to sit on this stuff until Friday, so I booked myself in today. I bet he'll just be over the moon to see my name there in his book today.

What's the bet I see a foot waggle today? I bet I get one on the arousal in therapy stuff. Or maybe on the drawing of me hating his daughter. But I think I'm just extra sensitive over that drawing. Don't like to reveal nasty hateful angry thoughts.

 

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