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Re: Emotional nurturing of ourselves JenStar

Posted by pinkeye on May 24, 2005, at 19:02:40

In reply to Re: Emotional nurturing of ourselves, posted by JenStar on May 24, 2005, at 17:52:45

Actually even for me it is hard to stand against a man - I guess because of the same cultural thing. So there is no point in just blaming my father or my husband. That is the model I knew as well!!!

Actually other than this US/India issue which I fight very badly, I don't make too much of a fuss for anything. Even his religious cultishness, I gave in in the end. But finally he is also turning around. I have found that the best approach that works with both my father and my husband is to say my view very pleasantly without contradicting them too much. Kind of give in and at the same time say what I think. And after some time, (sometimes after a year) they agree and then say the same thing back to me what I said a year back as if they discovered it. And that is fine with me so far.

I insisted so much on getting a Green card. My husband fought with me tooth and nails. But now I got my GC and he also recognizes its value. Similary I fought so much to stay in the US 3 years back with my husband. AT that time he just argued so very much with me. But now he realizes that we have saved much more than we would have ever saved in India. Now also he insists on leaving everything here and going back to India, while I am trying to make him come terms to something more sensible - like work here for 6 months and work in India for 6 months or take up a travelling job where we could visit India frequently. And he is resisting that. I hope he will come to realize it is worth in his own time.

That is what works with my hsuband and my father -not standing up against them, but kind of just giving in and at the same time letting them know what is right. I usually try to show them examples and other families instead of stating it as my view. And thankfully both my fahter and my hsuband are good persons at heart. So eventually they also realize. Even though they give me a hard time and take everything out of me before they realize. But I have made my peace with it.. this is the way things would have been even if I had married any indian.

Actually I also am very concerned about my view points being right many times and my husband's view points being wrong. Because it was taught to me as well that it is not a very feminine thing to be against the man's ideas. And I am afraid if I am being arrogant. So I take extra precaution to be polite and nice. Actually sometimes I end up doing too much of giving in and then end up bursting and becoming arrogant - the same thing I feared in the first place. I guess it is all cultural thing.


> Pinkeye,
> it's so hard to stand by silently when you know someone else is making a mistake or doing something wrong. I can understand how frustrated you get with your dad & hubby sometimes! I feel very lucky b/c I have a husband with whom I can argue and debate, and I "win" the debates at least 50% of the time! I mean, we don't fight viciously or anything. But if we disagree about something, we can talk it out, or argue it out, and sometimes in the end he agrees to do things my way. And sometimes I agree to do things his way. But it's 50/50.
>
> I think the more intelligent and insightful someone is, the more they need to be respected and have their good ideas respected. Pinkeye, you seem to be very smart & well-rounded...it must be so frustrating to have your ideas discounted by the men in your life b/c of a cultural bias!
>
> Is there any chance your husband could or would change, ever? Do you EVER see it getting to the point where you could debate something and change his mind about a big important decision for your family?
>
> Are there other behavioral patterns that might get you more "say" in the relationship - for example, you said you never act bossy. Would acting bossy work sometimes? If you shouted, would that work? I'm not saying that acting bossy and shouting are my ways of getting attention, or that they are even "good" ways. But if you're usually meek and just say "yes,yes" -- would a bit of a shout get their attention? Or would it just make them dismiss you further as hysterical?
>
> Just wondering about the cultural issues.
>
> JenStar


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