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Re: Is anyone scared/terrified of their Ts? Ľ Tamar

Posted by pinkeye on May 24, 2005, at 12:58:10

In reply to Re: Is anyone scared/terrified of their Ts? Ľ pinkeye, posted by Tamar on May 24, 2005, at 4:13:54

> Iím sorry to hear about your nightmares and about the crying. Thatís awful. It does sound like transference, mixed with stress.

Thanks Tamar. I think what you have said is perfectly right.

> No wonder you feel like a child. It sounds as if you donít know how to feel; whatever you do, you fear rejection, whether thatís a rejection of your childlike impulses or your adult femininity. How can you know whether to be a kid or a woman, when your dadís responses to you were so often inappropriate?

True. That is the problem I have now. There are lots of confusing feelings now, and I don't know how to make sense out of it myself.

A part of me relates to my ex T like a perfect adult, and at the same time, I am also feeling this intense need to relate to him like a kid, and am scared and hurt and rejected also - both as a child and as a woman. And there is lot of shame and guilt - for still liking him. Sometimes I feel I would never want to even touch him in my life, sometimes I feel I would give anything to be with him. I even feel like sleeping in his lap like a kid many times. There is extreme amounts of confusion from what I can say.

And you are right - all these are brought upon by my father's extremely confusing and inappropriate behaviour towards me. And I am just projecting everything.

> I wanted to respond earlier, but there was something I wanted to mention only I didnít know what it was, if that makes sense. But it came to me eventually: I think itís significant that youíve emailed your ex T quite soon after speaking to your father and forgiving him.
> You said that your father denied everything and denied terrorizing you. So Iím wondering if youíre partly afraid that your father is angry with you for what you said to him about your childhood, even though your mother validated it. Maybe thatís part of the reason you feel so upset and afraid of your ex-T right now.

It could be that as well. My father has been denying lots of it .. and my mother has been telling me all my memories are 100 % correct. And I think I have forgiven my father in my mind, but emotionally it is not completely healed. I still feel confused. IT could be that I am just projecting everything onto my ex T now.
> I hope he does reply, though often ex-Ts just donít reply. He might think that replying would stir up all the transference again, but as you say, you need closure. But the complicated thing is that maybe you still need some closure with your father too.

That is the hard part - I don't think I will get either. Not from my father, and not from my ex-T. My father is never going to acknowledge everything, and my ex-T won't reply either. So babble is my only helping source.

> Iím sorry youíre so unhappy and afraid. Sending you hugs.

Thanks Tamar. You are so extremely wise. Have you considered becoming a T? You seem to enjoy this also.
> Tamar




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