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Re:sorry to offend gardenergirl

Posted by shrinking violet on May 21, 2005, at 15:29:09

In reply to Re:sorry to offend shrinking violet, posted by gardenergirl on May 21, 2005, at 14:35:47

no you didn't offend. I'm sorry I'm beating this thing to death.

>> And trying not to cry...oh yes. I do that too. And then it just gets to be too much, and the tears flow. I hope they bring some sense of relief versus making things feel worse.

--Thank you. They aren't helping at all....In fact, they seem to make the hurt worse. I'm not sure why....

Maybe b/c I'm alone with them, and I don't have anyone to reach out to anymore. And the one person I need most right now has removed herself, for reasons I'm not even quite clear of.

I'm not sure what I want either, anymore. I'm rethinking everything....I don't think the effort would be worth it.
And I can't....I don't want to keep going through this. I can't live as if I never met her. I can't face never seeing her again. I can't live knowing I could have done it differently, that it could have been better, even the ending. I can't chance that it would be like before: seemingly, I'd feel better, I'd have more energy, etc. But it would just be the food, the meds.....Underneath, I'd still be hurting, I'd still feel like I don't belong here, I'd still be figuring out why I'm getting up in the morning, what it means...I'll only have a smile pasted on my face while I'm doing it, that would be the only difference. Somehow, I think that's worse.

And I can't/won't get into another T situation. Andn of course others would push for it, I would "need" it. Why go through xx number of weeks in a residential place, and then come out and not build a support of treatment people? But I couldn't....I couldn't do this again...So why even do any of it.

This hurts way too much....




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