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I think it wouldn't have made a difference anyway pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on May 20, 2005, at 20:16:25

In reply to Will my ex T understand if I tell him now?? pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on May 20, 2005, at 14:53:09

He probably understood all along.. maybe he didn't know the full pinkeye, but he knew the significant enough portions of her. And that is enough to form a judgement about a person.

And it probably won't make any difference whatsoever - more of my sob story or why I behaved the way I did, or why I became so messed up. The end result is I ended up being messed up completely, and he knew it. Ts must see lots of us, and they would become immune to all this sad stories I guess.

However, slowly I am coming to realize that is not the point at all. What he thought of me is not the point. If he understood me, liked me, cared about me or he thought I was a nuisance, irritating, or pitiable etc. The point is what I think of myself and whether I think of myself as a good person, whether I empathize with myself, whether I allow myself to forgive myself and heal. The point is to become happy and cheerful irrespective of what difficulties I have and or had.

And this whole idea of the therapist being your soul mate and having an intense connection is all not true. They see so many patients, and it is impossible for them to feel connected to every patient. It is just us projecting things on to them .. like a blind man trying to figure out an elephant. I don't think he and I are soul mates.. or that we have any deep connection or anything. In fact after reading this board so much, I now understand how much of a cliche it has become to like your therapist, that it is almost feels extremely stupid. He is a good guy and a decent guy and took charge of me and helped me and I really like him as a person. But I don't know anything beyond that about him, and he doesn't know much about me either other than what I have told him myself. And it is such limited knowledge. It is all transference. Complete transference. He probably felt pity and thought he should help me out.. and now I understand what he meant when he said "there is no question of my liking or disliking you".. I now know that he has been completely indifferent all along, and will be so in the future also. And I don't feel too bad about it now. I learnt a lot, and he took care of me very well when he was my Dr. And that is more than enough. I should be able to go on on my own hereafter without depending on him.

I will be able to just take all the learnings without hurting anymore. And I have thankfully beocme a little nicer than what I was 3 years back, and maybe I will just proceed in this way. And my husband might turn out to be a better guy, and I will live happily ever after.

Just talking to myself.. ignore me.

Just talking to myself.




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