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Re: The Introduction (In Session)

Posted by cricket on May 19, 2005, at 9:01:44

In reply to The Introduction (In Session), posted by Dinah on May 16, 2005, at 19:29:08

I think this first chapter and all of your insightful comments on it made me realize how differently I experience therapy than most of you all and I guess pretty much everyone else who has had the wherewithal to write about the experience.

That difference in turn made me realize that I am probably not capable of real therapy. There just wasn't enough of any kind of care in my childhood to build anything on. I think that initially my therapist hoped that there might be.

He was always asking me to think about how I felt when I was just sitting watching my grandmother, what things I remember about her, what I used to tell her. I clearly remember the way my T's eyes lit up when I told him my grandmother was 48 when I was taken away from her, which is the same age my T is now. So I think he was actually trying to encourage a bit of transference to him but it's never really worked.

But now after 3 years, I think we've both kind of given up. He's said I don't ever have to talk again, and he'll just sit there with me once a week for as long as we're both alive.

There is no longing, at least that I am consciously aware of, for him. Mostly I just dread my appointments although I rarely cancel so there is some need there for him that I just don't understand.

Most of you talked about much your therapists understood you and how aware they are of your feelings and reactions. Not true for us either. I think my reactions take my T by surprise almost each and every time. I think that he would readily admit that he never knows when something is going to bother me or not. Part of this is due to our extreme differences in backgroud but also also due to the fact as he says that people like me rarely ever make it to therapy. With his other clients I am sure that he is very insightful.

I also never wonder about how he is outside of therapy. It's just never concerned me. I mean I hope he's happy and fufilled, but I don't want to know anything about it. So I don't worry about whether he's real or authentic with me. There is nothing real and authentic about 2 people sitting in silence every week.

Also, as far as going more than 1x a week, no how no way. It takes every ounce of will I have to drag myself there once a week.

So the question really is why do I go there at all? Part of me, a very non-verbal part, just really needs to sit there for an hour a week and pick at my coat and know that he's looking at me and sometimes praying, sometimes just smiling, once in a while asking questions even though he knows I won't be able to respond.

So I guess what we're doing isn't really therapy at all and this book won't be relevant to me but I am enjoying hearing everyone discuss it.




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