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Re: Wondering if my Ex T understood me rockymtnhi

Posted by pinkeye on May 18, 2005, at 15:18:31

In reply to Re: Wondering if my Ex T understood me, posted by rockymtnhi on May 18, 2005, at 14:50:24

Thanks Rocky for the kind words.

As to the comment to my husband - I think he was right at that time. I was not behaving well at all. To my credit, I was extremely depressed at that time, but my ex T didn't think I was depressed. I was so emotionally tortured and crying and angry and agitated at that time. But I was pretty logical even then. So my ex T thought I was fine. And I had only a few sessions face to face - now I realize it is impossible for anyone to see through my "logical fineness" for anyone in that short span of time. Even my current T initially thought I was very ok. It took her lot of time and face to face interaction to understand that I was really depressed. Many people don't suspect anything is wrong with me when they see me. In college, I was thought of as the most cheerful person in the whole class, and even in my work, everybody used to think I am an excellent person and that I am happy. It takes a long time to cut through my facade. And I had become so good at putting on a happy face and intelligent face for my whole life time (I understood later that I had to put that because I was afraid of my dad - he wouldn't let me be anything less. he would never let me get any emotional nurturing and openness).

So my ex T thought - "Oh.. she is very capable and understanding.. So she must be arrogant and cruel to do all this to her husband".. And I think that is what his whole perception of me has been. I don't blame him. Only I tried to show him my real self and I failed horribly.

But the only issue that I fail miserably even now is this going back to India or staying in the US. It is so emotionally hard for me even now. The major blunder that I made in my life was to have
married my hsuband agreeing to go back to India. And that is a mistake I have paid very very dearly in my life in the past 4 years. and I think I will continue to pay a huge price for that mistake. I give in in other areas, but this one is extremely hard for me. Mainly beucase of the way I was brought up. Every day, several times my dad used to tell me that Is hould go to the US. So it is almost like giving up on my faith now.

I don't think I will ever get more closure from my ex T than what I already got. I have stopped all contact with him, and I don't think he will ever write again to me. And he told me finally there was no question of liking me or disliking me. That is the best that I got after 2 and a half years.. One more day is not going to change that, and it is perhaps unreasonable of me to expect any more understanding from my ex T. What I have to figure out is to how to move on with what I got. And not keep longing for more. I have to make peace with it and let go. That is what I am trying. But it is awfully hard to move on, knowing that the person you came the closest to and who you thought understood you, finally didn't understand you, and worse yet, didn't like you. That is a huge defeat for me. But I cannot do anything about it now.




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