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Re: Hospitalization stigma?

Posted by Smeegle on February 10, 2005, at 0:31:41

In reply to Re: Hospitalization stigma? Smeegle, posted by judy1 on February 9, 2005, at 11:35:17

In some of my other posts, I have probably mentioned several times that one of my main problems in moving forward is that I internalize. It's almost like I would rather chew off my arm than ask for help (not literally, of course...but you get my drift). I LOATHE asking for help or admitting to weakness. Irrational? Sure. They can't read minds and I know that. I lock myself away in the guest room and hide away in my depressed little world. I shut it all out and everyone out. My husband really tries to be there for me, but he really just doesn't get it. For someone who has rarely known a sad day in his life, he certainly cannot comprehend the degree of depression I deal with on a very regular basis. My episodes are quite frequent and can go on and on. I retreat more and more. No idea what the triggers are at this point. Only very recently (after my most recent scare questioning my own safey/sanity...understatement!) have I let myself be totally vulnerable in his presence. To have someone sobbing for hours for no apparent reason (that I could explain) at 3am was totally baffling to him. I have repeatedly explained to him that I don't need him to "fix" my problems or tell me what I need to do. I don't need/want advice. I just need him to hold me and help me ride it out. Just tell me it will be okay. Eventually I will cry myself out and fall asleep. He is just at a loss as to what his role in all this is. I see my pdoc and counselor regularly. My husband joins us about every third week. (probably going to move that up to every other week now that his work schedule has been adjusted...he has quite a commute which complicates things). I just need to get better at letting him be there and telling him what I need (and don't need). Our joint sessin is this Friday and I know my most recent episode is going to be the primary focus (yeah...not). Perhaps our counselor can help me help him understand why I can't just decide to be happy. Maybe he can help him understand what I am going thru and how to help me be rational when I am being irrational.

And back on the hospitalization issue. I better ask about that one tomorrow with pdoc. I certainly would want to make sure HE is the one who would be coming to see me since he knows my history. I can't imagine dealing with a stranger in a crisis situation. And the whole day program thing...I don't quess I could work since I would be at the program all day. Even though I detest my job, I get stressed just thinking about the wrath of the wicked boss for being so selfish and leaving her with all that work (that "I" do...god forbid she should have to work). Not a very understanding person to say the least. She can be very conniving and vindictive when she wants to be.

Today was a realitively stressful day. I think I handled it all okay though. Not sleeping much at night (too much on my mind or is it the Geodon...what is it? Five days into it now). No episodes or major crisis in almost a week. Very, very aggitated and need to discuss that for sure. Can't always tell when it's merely nerves or hypo episode. (I turn over the check book and all credit cards when I know somethings coming on...aint going down that road again). Glad that appt is already in place for tomorrow.

Smeegs


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