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Re: An Update

Posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2005, at 9:12:23

In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17

> My husband came home today. There seems to be minor damage to the muscle, not enough for any repair work. At this point they are guessing at a "brief" clot...and given his other illnesses, don't want to chance an invasive procedure if they don't have to.

*** So the immediate danger is over. Take a deep breath. Now take another one.
> My youngest is still struggling, but his therapist emailed me today to give some advice and add his support. It is nice to have a such good caring people in our lives.
*** I'm so glad his therapist is helpful to you. That is the way it should be. Remember that he *has* a therapist, and though you are the "Mommy", you have some help and support with your son. Let his therapist help you help him. You don't have to do it all alone.

> I'm in that space of exhaustion right now, everything feels unreal and tentative. I'm anxious and fretful. Partly I MISS MY OWN THERAPIST -- whom I haven't seen for 6 days now. I think this is the longest since this summer. (how sad is that?!)

*** Perfectly understandable! Do you expect to be feeling any different from this? I hope you get to see him today. I think it's wonderful that you've had constant support from your therapist since his summer vacation.

> All of this brings up so many do I keep doing the work I'm doing in therapy with potential disaster hanging over my head? If I'm all torn up, how do I handle stuff? And mostly, sorting out my feelings about my marriage and the effects the long term illness has had on it seems very selfish and insensitive of me right now. Who am I to complain when I'm healthy?

*** I hate to be blunt, but if you don't sort out your marriage issues now, you may never have a chance to sort them out. You need to take a hard look at whether you *ever* want to sort them out, or if you can live the rest of your life *without* sorting them out.

*** On the other hand, your husband *is* alive, and you *do* still have a marriage. How much longer can you manage in your marriage if you *don't* sort these things out?
> I can hear my therapist asking, "But do you have a choice? If the memories are interfering in your life, they have to be dealt with. You can't ignore that which refuses to be ignored."
> I feel like I should try. And the only way I can see to accomplish this is to stop going for a while. And just typing that sentence brings out the tears.

*** Stopping therapy is not an option, Daisy. I know it is tempting, but you know that it isn't an option.
> I feel trapped and alone. If one more person says, "I don't know how you do it all!" I'm going to scream. I'm scared -- of how I feel about all of this and how I don't feel. I guess it feels like that last straw.I keep asking myself if I can really handle this, especially knowing it is only going to continue to get worse.

*** Maybe all of those people are trying to give you permission to *not* "do it all".

*** You don't have to hold the world up singlehanded. Your therapist is there, your son's therapist is there, your husband's doctors are there, I am here, Babble is here, you have IRL friends who are truly there for you. It is OK to depend on us. People depend on people. Even ants depend on ants - dependency is something that is seen at all levels of our world. Why should *you*, Daisy, not need to depend on others when every other living thing in this world is dependent on others?? If you let yourself depend on people, people will support you and you won't be alone.

*** Yes, you have to be careful about who you depend on - not everyone will support you. But you have collected a pretty good group of people, who you *can* trust - if you can let yourself trust them.
> OK, deep breath. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

Breathing is good. It is good to keep breathing all of the time.

You are in an impossibly hard situation, Daisy. Don't expect it to be easy. Don't be so hard on yourself when it *isn't* easy. Allow yourself to be human. Your questions are very hard questions. Let your therapist help you to figure out how to answer them. He is on your side.


With love,




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