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I had an epiphany! **TRIGGER**

Posted by thewrite1 on February 7, 2005, at 13:48:17

I have to get into some background here, and I just want to warn you that it could be triggering.

I was sexually assaulted by two different members of my family for years. My father was physically abusive and my mother was rather neglectful. I've had more issues dealing with my mother than any of the rest. There's been a lot of needing female bonding and the like that's led me to some pretty distructive sexual situations.

Now the thing is, with the males that assaulted me, it was beyond hard, but those two were also the ones that took care of me the most. I had to deal with what they dished out, but I knew they would protect me from anything else. It's like as long as I pleased them sexually, they'd take care of me.

The little girl inside me that did that, seems to think if I could have done that for my mom, she would have taken care of me, too. That's not an easy realization to come to, but it's completely honest. It just kind of fell on me like a ton of bricks.

I'm still not even sure what it means or how to deal with it, but I'm anxious to talk with my T about it all. Unfortunately that will have to wait until Sat. I'd call her, but I think this should be a face to face talk. I'm not looking forward to it, but this epiphany feels good. I feel like I've answered the why why why questions.




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